


Window Shopping

by necessityforapologies



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-04
Updated: 2020-05-23
Packaged: 2021-03-01 23:40:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 27,490
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23995408
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/necessityforapologies/pseuds/necessityforapologies
Summary: Loving Harry Styles is quite the experience, especially when the guy doesn't know you exist and when you only know him as Pretty Man from the ground-floor flat in Hampstead with the two windows you can look into.Louis' life is going to shit, and he should have fallen in love with someone else, to make it at least a little bit easier.Or the fic where Louis likes to look into people’s windows and imagine what their life is like, until he looks into Harry's and doesn't want to wonder anymore. A love story a long time in the making, when life gets busy.Slow burn like never before.
Relationships: Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson
Comments: 3
Kudos: 10





	1. 2015

**Author's Note:**

> This story is a brainchild of mine years in the making. It all started years ago and once a year I added to it in my mind. After much longing to actually write it, I now started it all and hope you love it as much as I do.

Louis knew he had a problem, and he knew he was far in too deep. He didn’t really realise it until he found himself sobbing in his sister’s lap.

The day started out harmless. He was back home in Doncaster with his family. He was enjoying being back home and just the familiarity of it all. When his younger siblings were already sound asleep in their rooms, Louis and his sister Fizzy decided to continue watching their show.

About a year ago it had become a tradition for Louis and Fizzy to watch Scandal together, when both of them were back home in Doncaster. With Fizzy being away at an all girls boarding school and Louis living a lush life in lovely London, their mum tapes the episodes for when both her babies return home.

They were currently well into season two and Louis was a bit disappointed that Fitz (oh lovely Fitz) was in a coma. That wasn’t what made him cry. It was Huck. Huck was one of the characters that Louis didn’t care all that much for. The thing about Huck though is that he has a family. Not a real one of course. The family lives in a house and Huck parks his car outside and watches them through the window. That family is his safe haven.

And Louis related.

He related so much to the situation, because he had one, too. His is a very pretty man. And so he started sobbing. He never told his sister what was wrong that night. At first it didn’t even hit him. Just before he was finished with crying he had the realisation. He, too, has a window family.

*****

Louis absolutely loved spending time back at home, but he also couldn’t wait to be back home in London, again. He had so much love in all his heart for his siblings and his parents, but he also really just enjoyed his independence, and his routines, and friends that were just far away from the place he grew up in.

One might think he threw the word home around carelessly, but it never was too deep for him. Home was wherever his family was, wherever his friends were, and wherever he was most comfortable. He was one of those people that would ask to go home when he was on holiday, and in reality just meant the crappy hotel he was staying at.

“So Boo anyone we should know about back in London?” his mum asked him.

With his mouth still full of the forkload of spaghetti carbonara he just put in there, all his family looked at him expectantly.

“Ahem...mum. Well not really, no. Only have a crush on a guy. Super fit he is girls, I tell you,” his sisters were now all giggly and excited. “But for real. It's, you know, just a silly little crush. I’ll tell you all about it some other time if it even lasts that long.”

With that the conversation turned to something else. That one girl in Daisy’s class did something funny, or something along the lines of that.

When Louis left the next day after a hearty breakfast and enough cuddle sessions and hide and seek playing to last a few weeks, his mother made him promise to call her every once in a while. Of course he made sure to promise that. As he always did when leaving Yorkshire. Johannah and him had the loveliest relationship, and sometimes he was sure he might just be her favourite child. He loved nothing more than Mondays or Thursdays on the phone with her. It’s the days she went to the shops and would phone her oldest child to catch up about life and all the mundane things (she got almost as excited about his new colleague Niall as her).

***

It was a hard long Monday in the office for Mr.Tomlinson. He was slowly coming out of being a junior barrister. As pretty much every person on the planet there were days he absolutely hated going to work and others were okay and some even very good. The best part about his job was definitely the salary. Increasing year on year, which meant last year after his twin siblings were born he decided it was time for a change in his life. So he made a dream come true. At least partly. He moved into a flat in Swiss Cottage, which might not be as fancy as he always dreamed of (ideally we are talking Holland Park or Hampstead Heath) but it is NW3. As for postcodes he loves having something almost posh.

He got a new case today. A little girl, just three years old, and already being tormented by demons in her short life. She is just a few years older than Doris and Ernest and that breaks his heart. Every case does, he must admit. His specialization is Children Law. He saw the good, bad, messy, and beautiful in the world 5 days a week.

It messed with him so he had to do what he loves most. At first only here and there, then he went a few times a week. It’s not a long walk to the Pretty Man. Pretty Man lived in Hampstead. He lived the dream in Louis' eyes, but he knew he will get there someday as well. It’s roughly a 30 minute walk. No headphones or music just walking to clear the head.

His phone rang. Mum.

“‘Ello mum.”

“Hiya love. Just pulled up to Tesco and thought it’s best to give you a ring now,” she said.

He was almost at his favourite place in all of London. Louis already crossed the street and was able to see it.

“Yeah I had a bit of a long one today but it’s good to hear your voice. What are you buying?” he asked his favourite question.

So his mother started to list her items and of course the reason behind almost each of them.

The windows were all closed, but that’s okay for Louis today. His mum was rambling on the other line so he wouldn’t even hear the wonders of Pretty Man’s life anyways. The living room curtains were still open and the kitchen curtain that was ugly and kitsch and lovely at the same time in the favourite position as always. It covered the bottom half of the windows and was see through and had some holes as part of the pattern. Quite handy for people on the outside who want to look in.

And so, Louis Tomlinson sat down on the bench in front of the pretty tree just outside of the flat of Pretty Man.

“So my sisters are getting more and more into the whole vegetarian and vegan stuff, eh?” he asked.

Being able to multitask meant he could listen to his mother and wait for a certain curly haired man to finally use his kitchen this evening.

“Anyways I have been blabbing a lot. Love having some grown up conversations here and there, Lou. How was your day? Tough cases or good?” Jay asked.

“Both? Got a bit of a bad one. Started new on the case today. The girl, she is just a bit older than the little ones and it tears my heart apart, mum. I can just see the hurt,” he confessed, trying not to cry.

Johannah on the other end of the line calmed him down. She was good at this. Had so many years of practice. Louis needed that. He sometimes felt so burdened. Yes, he saw love and beauty, but he can also see the pain so very clearly.

After the phone call ended with a “love you so much Boo Bear don’t forget”, and a “mum don’t be soppy, but know I love you the mostest of them all”, he was left alone in silence.

He didn’t like it when the windows were closed. There was no music coming from Pretty Man’s flat, no conversation, no laughter, and no singing. Louis liked it the most. The singing. He quite enjoyed singing himself, but was always humble enough to know that his family might love him for it but he would never be special enough for the rest of the world. Pretty Man on the other hand should be a star. He sings a lot, Louis thought. He sang so well. Raspy voice, but also able to hit all the right high notes.

Months of spending afternoons, evenings, or lunches, or morning in front of these lovely two windows taught Louis that Pretty Man mostly sang when baking (always smells so sweet and good, he wished he could taste it) and cooking. He wondered if Pretty Man ever ordered in, but then that never fit with the image Louis had in his head.

It got late and Louis should have already started his way back home to make dinner for himself, when the guy with the most amazing curls came into the kitchen. The lights went on and he made his way to his fridge. Pretty Man got something out and the lights went off again after that. Bummer, Louis thought. He wished he could have seen more of a life that wasn't his for just a bit more tonight.

To his luck the lights in the kitchen went on again and his guy came running in. Cupboards and the fridge opened and closed several times, it all seemed very rushed. Then it happened. Pretty Man banged his head on one of the open cupboards. It didn’t really look like it would hurt. Out of instinct very likely he pulled his cutest face to date and rubbed the spot on his head that might be bruised in a bit. Louis thinks he could make out a “Shit! Fuck!” on the lips of the object of his affection as the man in the windows realised he had to sprint away again. Just like that the lights were off again and Louis now could go back home. It wasn’t much he got to see but he was always okay with that. The other people inside windows never know what he wants them to do and it’s really fine.

He liked to imagine that Pretty Man was in a hurry, because a program he desperately wanted to see started on the big telly that was very likely in his living room just attached to the kitchen. After all it was just a few minutes after 8pm. On most days Louis too would be eager to have dinner on his coffee table in his tiny living/sitting/dining/open plan kitchen room by that time and have the telly on.

***

It all started in his childhood. He walked the streets of Doncaster and liked to make up all stories for the houses and flats in the streets. It was his favourite activity. Only his mother was allowed to help with some stories or interior ideas, other family members weren't as welcome to join his little fantasies.

He liked it in London more than back home. His South Yorkshire home ran out of 1st floor flats and houses to look into and most of the families inside were people he knew from way back so not much to be left for the imagination. London on the other hand has so many streets to walk. Different parts of town with different houses, flats, and overall feels to them. Hampstead he loved, because it felt like a small town in a big city. The houses and flats were not only looking nice from the outside, they were very, very, very likely very nice from the inside. After all, many celebrities and other rich Londoners lived there.

His favourite streets in London are the ones with many townhouses neatly lined up and many big windows to look in.

The weeks were dragging on and the relaxed state he got in from staying out of the office and back home for a bit long forgotten. The cases came and went and some of them tearing him apart more than others. The only upsides at the moment were the imminent peak of autumn and that his next visit home, combined with Christmas and most importantly his birthday of course, were not that far away anymore.

He learned some more about Pretty Man. It was on a nice night at the end of October. He and two pretty women were toasting in the kitchen. The good thing about late October evenings was the quietness of the streets. Not that Hampstead was loud to begin with, but it was easier to listen in that way. Before they started their toast there was chatter for a while. Louis didn’t really listen in as he was just so fascinated by Pretty Man. More importantly who is the pretty woman he is so tactile with?

“Mitch! Come on we want to start the evening properly,” she shouted into the living room.

Pretty Man and the older woman smiling to themselves. Mitch came in and from what he saw immediately snuggled into the pretty woman and gave her a kiss on her temple.

 _Ha, she is taken then. That’s good for her_ , Louis thought.

“My babies, I can’t tell you how happy I am to see you all again. You know this Facetiming and WhatsApping isn’t the same. Robin unfortunately had to work, but I so adore that I get to spend some quality time with the two of you. So thank you both, and Mitch for joining us, and let’s toast to this evening and all the other fun one about to come,” what he assumed was Pretty Man’s mum said.

They all clinked their flutes together and had a little snack in the kitchen. Standing close to each other. Talking ever so loudly over one another.

The Doncaster boy on the other side of the glass wanted to join them. They seem fun and very lovely. So he has a sister. She is pretty and from the bits and pieces he got very much teased her brother. He was probably younger than her. It must be weird, Louis thought, to have an older sister. In his family he was the older sibling always in charge and taking care and teasing. He sometimes wished for a big brother or sister himself. Then again he had these thoughts for a few seconds and then got back to reality and felt bad, because all in all he loved each of his siblings so much and wouldn't really change it for the world.

24 hours later on a Friday afternoon him and his colleague and friend Niall left the office the same time.

“Mate, I absolutely hate that we already know what we will come back to on Monday morning with us just dropping everything but I will be so happy if we get a table at spoons,” the younger lad said.

“Don’t care about a table. I’ll take my shots and pints anyway possible. Looks not as crowded as I thought,” Louis remarked walking into Wetherspoons.

They both would never ever turn down going to spoons for some fancy or posh bar. Especially Fridays were great days for drinking contests. If they would go to the fancy places they could afford binge drinking but always felt so bad after spending all that money. At spoons it was all a bit more rowdy, and loud, less posh and more like home and cheaper.

Two pints down they somehow talked about their families as if they knew each and every one of them. Then again you kind of do when it comes to your co-workers slash best friends. You seemed to know everything about them and everyone in their lives.

“So yeah”, Louis continued, “Lottie is now trying out the whole influencer thing and moved to London a while back, but you knew that already. Lives in Hackney that little beast. Like a Hipster mum of a few toddlers. It makes her happy and I enjoy having her so close by.”

Niall seemed so interested.

“So how often do you guys see each other then? You are quite busy, and well, I imagine her as well. Makeup, and hair, and stuff. Can she get us into the good parties?” Louis shut that down real quick.

His sister just celebrated her 17th birthday that year. No need for London’s party scene for another two years, please.

When he stumbled into his flat hours, pints, and dirty cheap shots later, he thought he should call Lottie up for brunch tomorrow.

After Lunch, because Louis slept in too late and was slightly hungover so they missed the brunch times, him and his oldest sister parted ways. Still in a walking mood he got out of the tube station and walked straight towards Hampstead Heath. He walked past a few shops and had a few peeks inside and thought of some stories for some of the people. When he arrived at his favourite spot, he made himself comfortable on the bench and started to think about everything and anything. A full blown argument between him and his boss was going on in his head, he was trying out that promotion chat and he so desperately wanted his very own office as well. He loved sharing with Niall but to move up he would need his own office.  
Pretty quickly he got distracted by the thought that if Pretty Man’s flat would be his, he would probably change a bit about the kitchen. He liked the living room very much. It was lovely and cosy and seemed full of knick-knacks. However the kitchen was very modern, sterile, and so very white. He would want to change the fridge to a cool coloured one. Maybe be daring and opt for a pastel pink one? He thought a jukebox would be so cool as well, or something else diner-style and 50’s inspired. After all that is what Louis thought every kitchen should strive for in terms of style.

Pretty Man’s mum was still there he realised when she stepped into the kitchen and rummaged around the cupboards. She got out two cups, he saw when she moved that half curtain to the side to position herself in the window. She looked outside for a bit. Her gaze first wandered to Louis and they had eye contact for a bit. She looks kind and lovely, he thought. Her eyes pretty quickly moved on and she watched the Saturday walkers on the street. Unfortunately for him she also closed the window and went back to fix what sounded like teas from the kettle sound Louis heard before she closed that damn window. Time for him to go.

***

The seasons changed and more weeks passed. Doncaster bound Louis arrived home with way too many presents for anyone. It was cold and he was wrapped up tightly when his mum came to the train station to pick him up. He was about to cherish those next 10 minutes of just him and her in the car, before he entered their house and everything would be mental.

“Happy to have you home, love. Can’t wait to spoil you and hear all about that fancy London life.”

He groaned. He was pretty sure his sister’s London stories would be much more exciting. The both of them worked quite a bit but Lottie’s work was more fun and she actually got to meet other influencers and other Makeup artists and even celebrities. She would go to launch parties and even have her own stuff in the works sometime soon he thought.

“Nothing much. I’ll tell you some stories from Niall and me. Know you enjoy those, don’t you?” he questioned his mother.

“That Niall lad of yours cracks me up, hun. Gotta keep him around. I want to meet him sometime.”

And he promised to introduce his best friend to his mother next time she is in London.

He was the eldest to come home for Christmas. Lottie would travel in from London in two days, as there were some Christmas parties she had to attend. Fizzy had her last day of boarding school the day Louis came and joined him at home the next day. Both sets of twins didn’t think to complain about having their big brother to themselves for a bit before the other sisters wanted to share everybody.

The next afternoon it was a bit snowy outside. The little ones were napping and Phoebe and Daisy were somewhere having a dance party in the house. Louis and Fizzy were hanging out in Fizzy’s room. It was big and sometimes Louis was jealous that he didn’t have a designated room at home. Then again, he never lived in this house and it would only take up space all those weeks of the year he actually lived in London.

Both siblings were way into season three of Scandal, now. It was Fizzy who stopped the episode with a question that left Louis speechless and thinking of London just a little bit.

“Do you think we’ll ever find a love like that? Like Fitz and Olivia? So overwhelming and consuming?”

She looked expectantly at him with those big eyes of hers. Usually he was a fast-talker (handy for his job as well) and never really gave himself too much time to think before speaking. This time though he had to think a bit.

He settled on “Honestly, I just don’t know. I mean I hope we do but I just don’t know, love. You know I think I’m very much in love with the guy from the window I told you about. Would love for us to have it like on that screen there, but he doesn’t know I exist so that’s that.”.

The days flew by and dinner turned into a birthday dinner, turned into a Christmas dinner, turned into a boxing day dinner, and then some more of those leftover dinners. Fizzy and him were at the end of season four and managed to finish that one before everyone parted ways again. Louis had plans to spend New Years in London with his sister and her boyfriend at their flat and Niall would also be coming as well as some of Lottie’s friends. As much as he would have enjoyed play time with the little ones, walking in the park with Daisy and Phoebe or deep talks with Fizzy, Doncaster wasn’t as grand of a place to spend New Years Eve in.

New Years also went by in a blur. Many pints with Niall. Shots in a park nearby watching the fireworks, and even more booze back at Lottie’s flat. He thought about checking in on Pretty Man sometime during the day but decided against it. His alcohol infused brain made him regret that decision and sulk a bit, but his loved ones were quick to shift his mood.


	2. 2016

Louis was really bad at starting the year right. He woke up with a massive hangover on January 1st. His clothes were scattered all over the floor. Great, now he had to bend down to pick them up and he would most definitely scream from the pain and pressure building in his head. He told himself that mess can wait until later in the day, when his head would be better.

“Shit! Fuck! Motherfucker! “ he cursed, when he had a look at this phone.

He was late. So late. 12:08pm. Lottie will curse him, Niall won’t care.

It took him 38 minutes to get to Picadilly Circus and that is where the utter madness to find his people started. On his way there, he had plenty of time to listen to music and let his thoughts wander. He thought about this new year, and what he wanted to do.

So he made a mental list:

  * _Book those plane tickets to Greece and see what it’s like_
  * _Go on at least one lads holiday_
  * _Try and put more hours in for charity and be part of a bigger project_
  * _Talk to Pretty Man_
  * _Get that promotion_



Just five things. That should be easy.

“What the fuck, Niall?” Louis greeted his friend.

Sure that his friend had even more to drink than him the night before, it was quite the wonder that he was already chatting to his sister and watching the parade. All that without looking like death in person.

“My mate, it’s called being Irish,” Niall said smugly clutching a plastic cup of beer,” And hair of the dog or something, I guess.”

“Was it too hard to set the alarm, big bro?” his sister asked him.

She wasn’t really mad, only happy she got to share this with her brother, finally. There were no new year's parades in Doncaster so this was an exciting January 1st for her.

***

What better way to start the year than to swing by Pretty Man’s flat, Louis thought. His head was buzzing. He wasn’t really sure if it was the hangover or the new alcohol his body was fighting with.

Walking by the shops on his way there, he realised he wasn’t super happy with the way he looked. Yes, his bum looked amazing, but the rest was a bit, well, not too satisfying to him.

Should add _\- Get fit, tone up and lose some weight_ to my list, he thought.

The lights were dimmed in the ground floor flat. The man of his affection wore a towel on his head and had cucumber on his eyes. Seemed like he started the year similar to Louis, but was riding his hangover out in way more style than him.

***

On January 2 life was back to normal. He had to go back into the office. All employees received an email to please have a think about their holidays. The holiday year would end at the end of March and the firm wanted to have everybody’s holidays in place starting April 1. Perfect to flagg the subject of a lads holiday with Niall.

Louis had to admit, he had quite a good start into his year already.

By the end of January he had a lads holiday booked with Niall, some friends of his from Ireland, and a couple of Louis’ childhood friends. He also had spent a lot of time at _A Siblings Wish_ and got very involved in some of the activities that month. He volunteered to chair the Charity Ball committee and was already so excited for December, even though it was still so many moons away. When pay day came around, he was so excited that he was already ticking off two things on his mental list that he booked himself flights to Mykonos. 3rd tick that year and it was only the first month.

Of course he texted his sisters to rub it in their faces. He absolutely had to gloat about having his shit together.

 _Good 4 u Lou, just want to let u know that I’m in Paris atm shooting with a B-List sleb so who is winning life xx_ , Lottie texted him back.

That grounded him a little. Just a little.

***

“Happy Birthday!” was the first thing everybody said upon entering the flat.

The first day of February might just have become Louis' new favourite day of the year. It seemed to be Pretty Man’s birthday, and it was the funnest gathering he ever got to witness from outside.

Everybody brought many presents and Pretty Man oohed and aaahed at everything. Always had something nice to say. Louis adored that. His favourite reaction was the one he had to his sister’s present. He hoped with that many people there he would get to know Pretty Man better and if he is lucky even find out his name.

The atmosphere seemed great and it was hard to make out bits and pieces of conversations when sitting outside. Louis didn’t mind. When he realised that it was Monday evening and he should get home at some point to start his evening routine, he thought about the amount of birthdays he would get to witness that year through those lovely two windows. Just one. So he stayed. Both windows were open and the music seemed to get a bit louder and chatter picked up. Louis really didn’t mind not making out any conversation anymore, he just enjoyed watching at this point. All these people inside were so fascinating.

He was very entranced in watching when someone walked past the building. Leather jacket, skinny jeans and black cap. Once inside he heard a shriek.

“LIAAAAM!”

“Happy Birthday Harry! You’re getting so old, mate.”

Louis was speechless. The gods were really on his side. Harry. Pretty Man is called Harry. He no longer had to wonder. He potentially was also tipsy. It was very endearing.

Due to all the commotion and his newfound information he didn’t notice another person quietly hushing inside the flat.

He saw Harry giving a ginger haired man a hug. Harry gave the man a beer and the ginger haired man looked out the window.

 _WTF_ , Louis thought. “Is that Ed Sheeran?”

What kind of people did Pretty Man know, he wondered.

The Northern lad stayed a bit longer to observe until he got really tired, and realised he couldn’t spend all night observing a party he was never invited to. He also had no intentions of dying of sleep deprivation at work the next day.

When he passed by the living room window he got a good look inside for a second and was bewildered upon seeing his favourite day-time radio host Nick Grimshaw twerking to what he thought he could make out to be some Rihanna song.

Welcome to Hampstead, Louis. Life was kind of wild and very good.

***

Life was good. Until it really really wasn’t.

Johannah called Louis on a Wednesday. Something wasn’t right and he knew right away. She would never call me on a Wednesday, he was sure.

“Lou, you really need to be home this weekend,” she said.

She sounded not like his mum. Something was seriously wrong, but he knew better to not be too upset before he would go home Friday.

“Can’t wait to pick you up Friday evening,” she started, “ and you can pick the playlist this time, Boo Bear.”

That calmed his nerves a little bit. He did love those little car rides and 10 minutes of one-on-one time with his mum.

Unsettled, he texted Lottie.

_Are you going home this weekend? x_

_No will be travelling 4 work babes xx_

Just minutes later he received a second text from his eldest sister, asking him if he thinks their mum is alright and if Dan and mum were getting a divorce.

He cancelled his weekend plans with Niall and packed his bag Thursday after work. He would catch the first train up north after work on Friday.

It was already dark when he hopped off the train that Friday evening. He only had to wait one Kings of Leon song blasting through his way too big headphones until he saw his mum pull up. She seemed tired and the smile on her face upon seeing her oldest child didn't quite reach her eyes fully.

“Mum, missed you,” he said breathing into her neck when they embraced into a tight hug.

“Miss you every day, hun.”

The ride was quieter than usual and he sang most songs on his own. The doors of the house opened and he could already hear all of his sisters squealing and fighting over who gets to hug first. He took a deep breath, squeezed his mum’s hand, who let out a small laugh, and opened the car door. It was pure and absolute mayhem after that.

At 10pm it would have slowly been time for Daisy and Phoebe to go to bed. The little twins were already fast asleep in their cribs one floor above them.

That is when Jay mentioned that she had something to talk about. Her husband and her joined all the older kids on the couch and the two of the, didn’t really know where to start.

 _Divorce, for sure_ , Louis thought.

“My loves, there is gonna be a difficult time ahead,” she began. “I will not be spending much time here at home anymore I’m afraid. Dan and I will need some support from you two, Louis and Lottie, to be home a bit more often. I will be spending most of my time in Sheffield.”

“But mum!” Lottie protested and Louis was equally bewildered.

“Listen! There were some things off with me and I went to the doctors to check it out. They did all kinds of tests and it turns out I have leukemia. Had it for some time now but we all didn’t know. I wish I’d known.”

Louis was pretty sure that he was starting to have an out of body experience and that this wasn’t actually happening to him. His mum broke down in front of them, and Fizzy started crying silently next to him. Daisy and Phoebe were full on sobbing loudly. Lottie just kind of stared at Louis and pinched him.

“Lou, what the fuck? What are we gonna do?” she asked, still grabbing his arm tightly.

He didn’t know. All of this was just so surreal and too much.

Dan was a bit more level headed than all of them. So with tears in his eyes he explained what the coming months would look like. His mum’s Leukemia was already far advanced and very aggressive. So they signed her up for a medical trial at a hospital in Sheffield. It would all be challenging with his full-time job, the little ones, and their mum being half an hour away, but they would also get support from the grandparents and everyone should just stick together.

That is exactly what they did, all weekend long. Saturday, they all were so tired and none of the five wanted to play with their little siblings, because they all had almost no amount of sleep, due to the shocking news from the night before.

Louis didn’t know what to do, so he went for a walk. He walked down his favourite streets in Doncaster looking into everybody's houses. His mind at first would always picture Harry and him in all of them. After just a few seconds, the sadness already erased all that, and his mum was on his mind.

He gave Niall a ring and told him everything on the phone. The poor younger friend, not prepared for the news, didn’t really know what to do. He promised Louis he would definitely come up to Doncaster or even Sheffield with him sometime to meet his mum, and tell her one of his stories. That helped Louis a bit.

He texted his childhood friends to let them know that the plans they had for the pub that night would be postponed. He walked back home and felt a little better. Fizzy already was making hot chocolate for herself and made a second cup for him as well. They thought watching a few episodes of Scandal might help.

That weekend Fizzy and him watched the first half of Season 5. He also had severe back pain and sleep deprivation from the sleepover all seven siblings had in the living room Saturday night. They all couldn’t spend the night apart, even if it would have been in the same house just in different rooms. So they exhausted themselves by moving some mattresses downstairs for a proper sleepover.

***

Life wasn’t the same after that. In London it was the same, but it also wasn’t.

His trips to Harry’s windows became less frequent, but more needed. Louis worked harder at work than ever before, not for the promotion but to bill more hours, and bring more money home to support his parents a bit. Simultaneously, he also threw himself into the charity work at _A Sibling Wish_ and the planning of the ball.

 _A Sibling Wish_ helped to remember dead siblings by putting together memory boxes. He worked really hard with some of the siblings there to create amazing experiences for the ball later that year. He only hoped he wouldn’t ever have to make a memory box for his mum.

“Bifaaa, mate!” Niall shouted Thursday morning. “Only one more week to go!”

“Shit! Forgot about that. I’ll switch some of my weeks around with Lottie.”

“Louis, man. You really need the lads holiday. Now more than ever. I’ll come by next Thursday to make sure you pack.”

They went on with their day after that. Louis couldn’t believe that it was already May and life seemed to pass him by. Just a few months ago he wanted nothing more than that lads holiday, but now it was the furthest thing on his mind.

He sent Lottie a long and very apologetic text. He knew he had to not only change his work schedule and days off around, but she would have to cancel some clients and trips of hers.

That day he was terribly angry at the world. His sister at 17 should have been living her dream life in London and ‘influencing the people’ and taking cool trips and start partying here and there and not worry about a thing. Instead, she did a lot of the work to help their mum. She went home a lot. Sometimes she took the little or middle ones with her to London and had them stay a weekend and would only try and do work trips within the UK. If she did them at all. He was glad she had supportive friends and a boyfriend to share that with, but still the world wasn’t right.

Harry, freaking Harry the Pretty Man, was just a bundle of happiness and Louis didn’t see enough of him, as he too was busy with everything. He made sure to spend that Thursday evening on the bench in front of the two windows to ease his anger.

The curly haired beauty had baked. It smelled awfully good and so very sweet. It did put Louis in a better mood. He loved the baking and cooking the most as a distraction. There was always a bit of dancing and singing involved and it helped take the weight of his shoulders for a few minutes. He longed more than ever to actually be in that sterile white kitchen and sing along, or just kind of cuddle up to Harry from up close.

It was the last evening in a few weeks he would see Harry. Through the windows that is.

Friday, Louis left work early to go to Sheffield. After spending some time with his mum until the nurses and Dan kicked him out, “because visiting hours were long over”, Dan drove them home and Louis made himself at home in Fizzy’s room.

The weekend was exhausting to say the least. Not only had he got to deal with all his siblings, but he also fit in visits to his mum and some chores around the house. His mum lost weight. He didn’t like that. She looked so tired. He hated the world sometimes.

Ibiza in the end was a week Louis actually looked forward to. That last weekend at home did tire him out, work was too much, and the Charity Ball took up all the rest of his time.

***

“Any hot guys piqued your interest yet, Tommo?” Niall asked when they stepped into their room on the 3rd floor of the hotel.

“Any hot girls pique your interest yet, Horan?”

“No, we just arrived. Haven’t even looked around.”

“Exactly!” Louis groaned.

They went right to town on the first night. Niall flirted all night with girls in bikinis and his friend Oli from home tried to wingman for Louis.

“Oi Lewis! What about the blond one over there?” Oli asked with a cocktail in hand.

“The one in the light blue shirt?”

Oli nodded.

“Mate, no just no. Not my type at all,” Louis let him know.

“Alright, true, but I thought he would be hot in the eyes of a gay guy. What is your type then?”

Louis sighed. Harry, from the windows, pretty much was his type. Harry, back in London and not Ibiza. Harry, he knew virtually nothing about.

“Unavailable. Too hot for their own good. Just someone kind and funny. Family Man,” he told him.

Oli was done with him that night. Apparently, Louis was in a mood and a bit dramatic.

The week in Spain went by in a blur. Bottomless booze at their hotel. Hot people all around. Good music blasting through the speakers. To be fair the playlists could have been more rock for Louis’ taste, but who was he to complain about that.

Niall's friends were funny. The Doncaster boy thought about his family, and Pretty Man, from time to time, but overall had genuine fun and laughed a lot. The amount of bad, but fun-loaded photos he now had on his phone was ridiculous. His favourite memory of the trip had to be when they were thrown out of a club, because one of his entourage stole booze from behind the bar. He realised then that he was still pretty much out of shape, when they ended up running back to the hotel to have a nice night at the beach, away from mad security guards trying to hunt them down.

Niall was right. He needed this. His batteries were kind of recharged when they stepped back on to the plane. Kind of. They almost missed the plane, which would have been a disaster, because EasyJet likely would have not understood that Louis and Niall were too hungover to get out of bed in time. After that mad dash through the airport though, and settled in his aisle seat next to Stan from back home, he wished for nothing more than his relaxed and happy state to last forever. Lads Holiday. _Tick_

***

Something was wrong.

He finally made some time to go for a run and sit in front of London’s two best windows. He could barely see Harry walking around the flat a little bit and being in there at all . Pretty Man always had something slow and deliberate about him, but this was super slow. It’s like Louis watched him in slow-motion.

He sat in front of the windows about three times and Harry never baked or cooked once. Louis was kind of missing the smell a bit. His favourite days used to be when Harry would bake sponge cake and it smelled like home. That used to be the only cake Jay was able to bake and not mess up.

He didn’t smell anything for three weeks. One Thursday evening, Harry started baking again. He even sang a little. Not as much as usual, but Louis could not have cared less. It was a Thursday, his mum called, Harry was baking, and everything was good again.

“Lou, good news!” Johannah said. “The trial is ending next week, and I get to go home.”

Summer will be good, Louis thought, and life will be back to normal.

He now even managed to fit in going to the gym, one or two times a week. Niall was quite impressed that he had time for that on top of work, the Charity Ball, and still supporting his family from London, and being there for every call his sisters made to him.

The Charity Ball started to really make him reconsider his career. Yes, he absolutely liked his job, but something about planning this event with a cause you are passionate about for people you have worked with for several months now, was just an incredible feeling. He signed the contract with the venue last week, and the excitement built more and more from there on.

His mum came home and Lottie started to pick up more trips outside of the UK now. He loved that she was going to go on a work trip to LA. How exciting is that?

Johannah still seemed tired on the phone. Louis was used to it by now. She has sounded like this for a long time. He couldn't wait to go home soon. In fact, he really missed everyone back home. So, he booked a train ticket, and called his mum. On a Tuesday. It was nice.

The next 1,5 weeks were busy for Louis. Two new big cases landed on his desk. One worse than the other, and invites for the Charity Ball had gone out as well. He never ever ever wanted to have the printers call him until late in the evening asking where the designs are. He was so stressed out calling and chasing the design agency he hired to do the invitations, and mediating with the printers that he had a whole bar of chocolate one night.

***

“I will be leaving noon time on Friday, Lisbeth.”

Their secretary nodded. She didn’t mind picking up his phone when he was out. That was her job after all.

Louis sent her a calendar invite via Outlook, just to make sure she definitely knew.

“Anything I can help you with the next two days to make sure you get home to mummy Tommo on time?” Niall asked.

He really was the best friend, and also in need of a new golf set. Louis is not gonna give him his billable hours when he wanted to upgrade his holidays to Mykonos in October later this year.

“Forget it. I’ll just leave it till Wednesday when I come back. The world won’t go to shit the two and half office days I’m not in.”

So he kept his word and dropped his pencil on Friday at 11:55 am. Eager to get to the train station and go home. He would be home in time for his mum to pick him up at the station, have his car ride alone with her, and some extra time to sunbathe in the garden a bit. June seemed to be great this year and he wanted to keep up his Ibiza tan.

 _Omw home now. Can’t wait! x_ , he texted his mum.

***

Something was really wrong.

Still a bit fuzzy from his nap on the train, he was slightly concerned that Lottie was waiting in her small black car for him.

“Lots? I thought you were halfway to...I don’t remember, but somewhere not here.”

“Lou,” she started, while he got in the passenger seat, “Dan called me this morning. Was halfway on my way to a Beauty Academy in Manchester.”

He didn’t have a good feeling about this. Lottie hated disappointing her agents or clients for that matter. She wasn’t the type of person to drop something so very last minute.

“Lou, she is in the hospital and they are doing tests on her. She wasn’t well the past days I was here, and when I left this morning she apparently got worse, “ Lottie told him.

He just nodded, too afraid to say anything right now. His mind was racing. Just when everything was supposed to be okay, again.

The house was quiet. Lottie dropped him off at home and went to pick up Daisy and Phoebe from school. The little ones were at their grandparents for the weekend, and Fizzy at the end of term at her boarding school still.

He was just finishing dinner, with the help of his sisters, when he heard the front door open. His mum and Dan were back. He helped her to the sofa and they all had their dinner sitting scattered around on the sofa and floor.

After his second helping of pasta with his special tomato-garlic-feta sauce, his mum cleared her throat. Just by looking at her he knew he didn’t want to know.

Daisy sat next to him and took his hand.

“Kids,” she said. “My loves, it's not good. The, ehm, trial hasn’t helped and my doctors advised it’s now about making me comfortable.”

Jay was too tired to cry. Daisy turned to Louis confused.

“What does that mean, Louis? Making mummy comfortable.”

He wasn’t too tired to cry. So he did, while Lottie explained with the help of their mum what would be happening.

“A few months, possibly.”

That is all the time they had given her. His time with his mum would be running out soon, and he wasn’t ready.

_U lot having fun without me??? xxx_

When he saw that text from Fizzy, he wished she was there with them. Maybe to watch some Scandal after, or anything really. She was obsessed with Criminal Minds at boarding school, he remembered. He would also watch that with her.

“Mum, you have to tell Fiz. I can’t, and she just texted me.”

Lottie, Dan, Jay and him agreed to do their best to get Fizzy through the rest of her school year, and then let her do whatever she wants once she is home for the summer.

He listened in on that phone call and it physically wrecked him. Him and his sisters slept in the living room that night. All four of them being there for each other to process what was happening.

***

Summer was blurry.

Louis sometimes felt he didn’t have enough time to breath. The Charity Ball didn’t take up as much time now that most things were set already, but somehow it still took up time. So did work, and pity drinks with Niall, and meeting some friends outside of that, and sitting on a bench in Hampstead in front of two windows, and going home every other weekend and sometimes having his flat full of sisters.

He took some unpaid leave in August to spend two weeks at home. Everyone was there apart from Lottie, who used the time when Louis was there to take over, to work for two weeks straight.

Fizzy and him saw the second half of season five of Scandal. The rest of the time everybody tried to entertain the little ones. Or their mum. She was still able to stay at home, which helped them all cope a lot better.

When he was back home in London, he went on so many runs and walks trying to clear his head. He sat by Harry’s flat and tried to look in and imagine a life in there with him, or relive any previous daydream he had had, but his head was so full of thoughts. Mostly his mum. And life in general.

Harry was back to normal again. This summer he had many get-togethers at his flat, Louis noticed. Windows open all the time. He thinks he even learnt his sister’s name by now. It is something along the lines of Emma.

***

The leaves started falling, and everything was red, orange, and brown. Usually, it was a good season, because it meant he could go back to wearing joggers and hoodies, and it would be considered fashion. This year though, he hated the season.

Time was just flying by and he was running out of it, and out of energy.

The Charity Ball could not have been further in the back of his mind, but with only 2,5 more months to go until the day of the Ball, he had no choice, but to let it occupy him.

Evenings after work were often spent at his flat in piles of paperwork, 30 tabs on his laptop open, three binders scattered on the table, and his mum consulting on the phone. He really did not need to have mum on the phone, when she didn’t know most of the people attending, or the venue, or when she wasn’t of any physical help, but he needed her.

He was working extra hard in October, because his trip to Mykonos was happening after years of dreaming of Greece. It didn’t feel right to go at all during that time, never knowing what he would miss, or what would happen next. He was pushed to go and not cancel the trip. Johannah and his sisters would kill him, if he didn’t go live his best Mamma Mia life.

The out of office was on starting Friday evening. He had about a million messages from friends and family wishing him the best time, and with that, he jetted off to what was supposed to be his dreamy holiday.

***

Life was good for about six days.

 _Don’t want you 2 worry or come home. Staying at home for a bit. Mum in hospital and will stay docs said. Don’t worry I got it under control. Love you xx_ , Lottie’s WhatsApp said.

He sat in a bar living his best life, as much as he could during that holiday, and his stomach was still full with Souvlaki Story’s amazing Gyro plate. That was until he saw the message.

He got another one, about half an hour later, this time from his mum, telling him to stay put, and enjoy the last bit of his well deserved holidays.

Louis stayed until the end, which was only a couple more days. It wasn’t the same. The dreaminess had gone, and the food didn’t taste as good anymore. He couldn’t wait to go home to his mum the weekend after he was back. But he made it to Greece after all. _Tick._

When he landed back in London he was feeling rough.

Life was wearing him down. He needed to see Harry tonight. It wasn’t too late in the afternoon to make it to his flat in Swiss Cottage, put his suitcase’s contents in the laundry, and go for a walk to Harry’s and be back in time for bedtime. Monday morning would kill him for sure, no need to be extremely tired on top of that as well.

“Jeff, no you’re not listening to me!” an angry Harry said loudly.

This was new for Louis. He has never heard Harry angry or upset.

“I don’t want to work the rest of this year or go someplace. I kind of just want a breather. Next year should be crazy enough.”

There was a pause. This Jeff guy seemed to say something on the other line. Harry’s free hand flew up in the air, and he looked at the ceiling pretty beaten.

“Alright, fine. I’ll do that one. Only until mid of November, though. Anything after that is sticky with the charts anyways.”

Louis would very much like to know what Harry did for a living.

“I said I’ll do it and be wherever they need be to be, but come end of November, I am out out for this year and fucking off and I’ll turn off my phone. I mean it, J.”

Him and the man on the other line chatted more civilised now about people whose name’s Louis has never heard of. He was only hoping that winter would start as late as possible. The conversations and life events he would miss, when the windows were closed.

Harry was cooking it seemed. He was in his kitchen for ages. Louis would not have minded to stay and watch it all, but it was getting late. He stayed for one more song and was hoping that the last song he listened to on Harry’s playlist would be as good as the rest.

Fleetwood Mac’s The Chain seemed to be a good leaving anthem.

He blinked maybe one or two times and he was already on his way home to Doncaster. He looked forward to spending a long weekend home. It would also be the first Halloween in a few years he would get to spend with his sisters.

The day after Halloween, Louis spent all day in his mum’s hospital room. He had brought all of his binders and his Laptop and other notes and anything really he could show his mum.

“So this is the video I put together for some of the families attending. Do you think it’s too much? I wanted to do something nice and honouring, but also don't wanna overstep my boundaries. What do you say?” he asked his mum.

Mother’s knew best, after all.

“Love, I don’t think you are overstepping there. Most of these families you have worked with through the charities and you know them and their loved ones. They will be moved by it and grateful. I’m sure, “ she reassured him. “Only about six more weeks to go, Lou. I’m so proud. This all looks incredible. You will have the most stressful, but best time that evening.”

“So mum, I actually also brought invites for us all. We can take all of the little ones as well. There will be plenty of food. Only requirement is to dress up nicely, come to London, and remember to bring these invites.”

Jay smiled weakly at him. Louis knew there was no way she would be strong enough to come. He wanted to invite her anyway. He handed her the seven baby blue envelopes with each of their full names on them.

“I’ll definitely try my best to be there in some form or way. Even if it is just Skype. Oh my days,” she exclaimed, when she opened her envelope. “Lou, these invites are so magical, already. Oh wow! There will even be some celebrities, and the prizes for the auction are incredible.”

She got teary eyed. Happy teary eyed. She reached her hand out to Louis and he took it. He knew she was proud. She told him everyday.

“I even got content creators, mum. Didn’t really know what they were before, but they are doing all the work that will be on the screens and helped me with some additional videos.”

“Amazing, love!”

“And I have one more surprise for you. That is why I really want you to be there!” Louis was so excited talking about this with his mum.

“What is it?” she asked.

Louis got a wicked smile plastered on his face.

“Won’t tell you. You’ll have to be there, and you will be so proud of your Boo Bear.”

He showed her all the photos he took from when he visited the venue the last time, and of the suit he picked out with Lottie. Out of excitement and because he couldn’t decide yet, he bought a fancy bow and a fancy tie and showed both to his mother. Jay definitely preferred the velvet bow tie from the photo, so that would be the one.

They got excited about the stage design mock-ups, and the flower installations the flower company sent them impressions of. He even wrote his opening address with the help of his mum. He would make it short and sweet. That evening shouldn’t be about him. It should be about the kids who lost their siblings, and their parents, of course.

Another two weeks went by after that. During the colder months their caseload in the office seemed to get worse, just like every year. Him and Niall could not have waited any longer to leave their office Friday afternoon. Niall was going home with him that weekend. After all, he had promised his mum to meet him, so they would spend some time with her.

“Lottie, we’re fine I promise,” he told his younger sister on the phone.

Niall and him just arrived at his home in Doncaster an hour earlier. Lottie was using that weekend their family had extra entertainment from Niall to work back in London, and get some of her own life sorted as well.

“Do they have Nando’s over in Ireland as well?” Daisy asked Niall.

“Yeah, of course. Couldn’t have lived there if they didn’t, hun,” he told her matter of factly.

Louis loved that he did not have to carry the conversation over dinner. Fizzy came through the front door with Dan in tow.

“Didn’t know you were also here this weekend, Fiz. Come into the dining room. You can meet Niall and we got take out,” he called out to her.

Niall and Fizz got on like a house on fire, so did Lottie and Niall when they met many moons ago in London. The Irish lad is probably just in love with his family, Louis concluded the very next day. His mum and his friend had an instant connection.

“Oh boy, you can’t bring alcohol in here. Dude they’ll throw us out!” Louis hissed at Niall.

His mum was lying in her hospital bed and just smiled. She wouldn't mind the cans of Guiness her son’s best friend brought for them.

So the two of them convinced the older boy that they’ll never again come together as young as this and “really Louis there is only one life to live and your mum is already dying so let’s live it large”.

He couldn’t really argue with that. It was highly inappropriate, especially with her medication, so Louis was still very much watchful with his mother, but tried to let go as much as he could. She was truly laughing at all of Niall’s jokes and stories. A lot of them are at the pain of Louis’ life back in London.

Jay mostly enjoyed the prank Niall played at the office and stories of him out and about in the world. She was happy to have met him at last, he always seemed so full of life from her son’s stories. She really needed that.

When the blond man went to the cafeteria to get them all a late lunch, or rather early dinner, Johannah motioned for Louis to sit on her bed with her.

“I really like him a lot. Wished I met him earlier,” she said.

“Yeah, mum, me too.”

“I think you should really keep him close, you know,” she told him, taking his hand.

He sighed. Bless his mum.

“No. Niall and me, mum, it isn’t a thing. And he is very much straight. We’re not getting into this.”

Jay tried her best at a laugh.

“Love, I didn’t mean it like that. What I wanted to tell you was that you should keep him especially close for when times get tough. I think his refreshing way of life and just his positive outlook on things will help all of us.”

She squeezed his hands a few times and put her hand on his right cheek. Louis’ throat got dry and he got a little bit teary eyed.

“Don’t talk about that, mum!” he asked of her.

The only people in his life that have died so far were his great grandparents. He remembered all the crying from his grandmother and his mother, and that was enough death for him he decided as a small boy. He couldn’t bear to think of the day he would lose his own mum, even though it would be inevitable.

“Lou, Louis, my love, you know sometime soon the two of us will need to have a serious chat about this. At some point we can’t push the painful conversations any longer. You will have to be strong very soon, and you will be great at it,” Jay told him.

“Mum, please!” he was very close to crying now.

Niall entered the room with two trays. Knowing that he was a little clumsy from time to time, it was a wonder he managed to get those two full trays up from the cafeteria and open the door to Johannah’s room, without dropping anything.

When he put everything on the table next to Jay’s bed, he let them know that he couldn’t decide what to bring back so he bought a little of everything. Quite literally, as they had a choice of pizza, pasta, steak, sandwiches, crisps, and chips, as well as two kinds of salads.

“So Niall, sorry for being a downer here. After all, I'm dying. Your miserable mate over there and I had a heart to heart and I haven’t even gotten around to the bad news, yet.”

Niall was a bit lost for words. He felt like he was intruding, but he was hungry and he also didn’t want to leave his best friend alone. He saw Louis’ red eyes when he came in earlier with the food.

“Do you want me to leave for a bit? I can also stay if you want to,” he let the two Tomlinson-Deakins know.

She nodded at him and tried to tell him silently to stay, and so did Louis.

“So,” Jay began, “I have been feeling worse, but I think you could already tell. Couldn’t you, my love? My tests are coming back worse than before. The doctor doesn’t know exact dates, but his estimate is that I have about a month or two left.”

Louis had a few tears streaming down his face and even Niall got all quiet and emotional. Jay was composed. At this point she isn’t necessarily ready to let go of life, but she is tired of the pain, and medication, and the hospital, and not actively living life. She was also very much angry at the world, but she thought she had every right to be so. She would miss so many holidays. So many birthdays.

She would miss the little ones’ third birthdays, their first day of school. She would miss her older twins’ 13th birthdays, and them becoming sassy teenagers. She would miss Fizzy’s 17th Birthday, and also her prom, and what she would want to do after school. She would miss Lottie’s 19th birthday party, and what kind of woman she would be. She might make it to Louis’ 25th Birthday and more likely to his Charity Ball in the middle of December. Sadly, she would never make it to his wedding, or see her first grandchild, or see what he will make of life.

That all made her so angry at life.

***

Back in London, Niall and Louis’ office wasn’t as popular anymore. Their team had picked up on the mood shift and knew it wouldn’t be fun central for the near future.

Louis thought life was kind of funny, because Niall and Jay actually exchanged numbers, and he felt they were even more of best friends, than the two lads were. He was dramatising it, but still. Sometimes, he felt Niall spoke more often with Jay on the phone than with his own mum back in Mullingar, Ireland.

Almost every weekend until the end of the year Louis booked train tickets to Doncaster. There were so many parties, and birthdays, and other get togethers he would miss in London. He couldn’t care less. He even saw his eldest sister more at home in Doncaster than he ever did in London, where they only lived a few Boroughs apart.

***

It was the end of November and he was so stressed. His mum’s state was deteriorating, Fizzy wanted to quit school, Lottie wasn’t sure if she could still afford the flat she bought because she didn’t take many jobs, his mum had less energy to speak on the phone, his caseload was through the roof, one of the sponsors of the Charity Ball pulled out pretty last minute, some of the VIPs hadn’t RSVPed, the caterer got sassy with him on the phone more times than he could handle, and to top it of Pretty Man Harry was in the best mood on earth and was baking a whole gingerbread village and blasting Christmas music before the month of December.

Even though he was pretty annoyed, he still made a little time here and there to clear his head as much as he could and watch Pretty Man live life through those damn two windows.

Thanks to all the baking, he even got a bit of open-window time. Life could be okay

***

The first days of December were so stressful still and Louis was constantly on the phone, either work related, for the Charity Ball, or with a member of his family.

Even though he still had so many last minute details to fix and fires to put out before the Charity Ball, which would take place just one week later, he couldn’t wait that first Friday of December to go home to his family.

Dan picked him up from the train station in Sheffield. His eyes told Louis how the past 5 days without him at home have been. Tiring and draining. They didn’t talk on the drive to the hospital, and sat in silence.

Louis hugged his mum upon arrival. She was getting so skinny. He didn’t like her feeling so boney in his arms. She also mentioned that he lost a bit of weight. His jeans did seem to wander down his bum from time to time, but with everything going on he hasn’t paid much attention to that.

“I sent Dan home for today. Thought you would appreciate some mummy and Boo Bear time,” his mum told him.

He took off his shoes and got into bed next to her as best as he could with the IVs in her arm.

“Hey mummy,” he started hesitantly, “are you afraid?”

“Yes and no, I think. Y’know, I kind of know what comes and I don’t at the same time. I’m mostly afraid of not knowing when it will happen. What if I don’t get a proper goodbye?”

“Mum,” Louis protested,”I don’t think you will ever get a proper goodbye. We just can’t say that to you at any time. It’s just not fair.”

His mum had silent tears in her eyes. She understood. It was time to have a serious chat, she thought.

“Lou, the doctors now think I won’t make it to Christmas at all. It will be a matter of weeks. What are your thoughts right now?” she asked him.

She was speaking very slowly, he found. Not only thinking about the right words to say, but because it all was weighing down on her.

“It will be the worst Christmas and my worst birthday ever is what I think. Who would’ve thought a year ago, hmm?” he said looking at her.

“Yeah. Who would’ve thought. I mean I don’t think someone can ever be ready, but Lou, I am ready. Dan and your sisters, they are all accepting it and getting there. Are you ready?”

“No. I’ll never be,” he told her honestly. “My mum is dying and I'm still kind of a kid. I will miss you so much, mummy.”

“Oh Boo Bear. I will miss you all so much as well. Wherever I go.”

There was a pregnant pause and the world was getting heavy.

“Do you think I will make a good angel, my love?” she asked him.

He didn’t have to think about that one.

“I think you will be the best one of them. You have always been an angel. Don’t think that will change anytime soon.”

They laid there in silence for a bit. Leaving the heavy conversation up in the air for a bit.

Louis thought he should tell her now, about his special project. She would hopefully like it, and approve of it. He didn’t know how many more days, or hours rather, he would have her just for him. He knew, the coming weeks, his whole family would be crammed in the hospital room. There were already more chairs in the room that the nurses didn’t bother anymore to put back, as all of the Tommlison-Deakins were coming in full force, almost daily.

“Remember the surprise I told you about for the Ball?” he asked his mum.

His mother looked surprised at him. She had forgotten about that for a second.

“What have you been up to?”

“So I have gotten together with a DJ, or Producer, or both really, whatever you wanna call him. A few months back, I wrote a song for you. We recorded it, and I want to perform it at the Charity Ball for everyone. So I really would want you to watch it through FaceTime.”

“Oh my days! Louis! That is absolutely amazing. I am so proud of you. I always told you, I should’ve signed you up for XFactor back in the day. Your voice is just so unique and lovely,” she told him earnestly.

“Yeah, you definitely should’ve signed me up for that. I could’ve become a big star, and we would be so rich, and it would all be good.”

“I think I still would’ve gotten Leukemia, you know. Money can’t fix that one,” she let him know.

“Just think how different and better life could have been. I could’ve bought you a bigger house and a nicer car. We could’ve all gone on amazing family holidays to somewhere exotic, and Hawaii, or even Disney World. The whole family, including nan and grandad. The girls could have attended private schools. It would’ve been better, that dream life,” he told her, his mind somewhere entirely far away.

Jay turned more to him and took his hand, like she did since he was the smallest and most beautiful boy she had ever seen almost 25 years ago.

“Oh Louis, my love. I quite like to think that we had an amazing life together. The two of us. I like to think that we did our best and you built a fabulous life of your own. You live in London, hun. You have an incredible job, and you love and care for us all so much. You were my man of honour, you were by my side when the twins were born. We went on some lovely holidays together. They might have not been far away, but we always had the best time, didn’t we? I’m so proud and I would never ever change anything about our time here together. I just hope you have an ever better and longer life ahead of you, because that is how much I absolutely love you.”

Louis couldn’t answer. This was all so overwhelming. In the dimmed fluorescent lights his mother could make out his blotchy red face and the tears falling down his face very fast. She knew how he felt, but she didn’t cry anymore. She put her eldest child’s head on her shoulder and held him there tight. That was the best she could do right now.

He told her how much he loved her and they sat in silence for a while. Louis almost fell asleep in his mother's hospital bed that definitely wasn’t made for two people.

She asked him to play her the song before he had any chance to fall asleep in there. He was so glad he saved it on his phone, but wished she would hear it at the Ball first.

Louis knew that just in 7 days, next Friday, he would be singing it in front of a few hundred families, and even some people that actually worked in the music industry. Nothing in this world could have ever prepared him for the nerves that hit him at that exact moment. His IPhone laid on the table hovering over his mother’s bed, where usually her books or trays were placed. He had the notes app open and didn’t have to scroll at all. The most recent note was his song. The very person he wrote and sang it for actually sat next to him.

“It’s called _Just Hold On_ ,” he told her and pressed play.

After 3 minutes and 18 seconds the audio stopped and Johannah’s sobbing could be heard. She shed many tears. It would be the last time she would ever cry. They were happy tears, so it was worth it.

Louis felt so relieved, when his mum told him again and again that it was beautiful and everyone would love it, and that she was “just so proud”.

Her favourite nurse came in just minutes later, letting them both know that it really was time for her to sleep and for Louis to leave. Nurse Jackie suggested that Louis may stay over another time.

Jay had one last request for Louis that day, but waited until her night meds were administered.

“Can you sing me your song to fall asleep to?”

He knew it wouldn’t be the same without backing vocals or the background music, but at that moment he would do anything for his favourite person on earth. His mother could have asked him to fly to Mars and he would do it without hesitation.

So he sang her _Just Hold On_ softly and she fell asleep quite quickly.

That evening was so special to Louis. It would be one of his favourite memories. One of those that you already know you will miss, even though they are still happening. One of those life changing ones. One of those moments you want to take a mental picture of and replay it over and over again. One of those catch-it-in-a-mason-jar-and-open-it when-needed-to-relive moments.

***

He wanted to go back to London after the weekend, which was quite eventful with all of his siblings, Dan, his grandparents and some of his mum's friends in one hospital room for most of each day.

When Sunday came around, his mum asked him to stay a few more days, as Louis had mentioned he still had some holidays to take due to the extra hours he put in with some of his winter clients.

That wasn’t a good sign. It also was quite inconvenient. He was needed in London at work and with the Charity Ball in under a week he had so much left to do. That all didn’t matter, because his mother had never really asked him for anything in life.

So he stayed. He even managed to sleep in a proper bed at home Sunday night. Him and Fizzy shared her bed for that night, staying up late and talking about anything and everything.

Monday went by so fast with all the talks they had throughout the day at the hospital. Each conversation was always carried by one of his siblings or him.

Monday, all of the siblings and Dan managed to spend the night in their mum’s room. It was a bad sign that none of the hospital staff tried stopping them, or making them leave. Their mum was getting worse, and they could tell. She barely laughed and smiled anymore. When she spoke, it was a few words, slow and breathy.

It was a miracle really that they got any shut eye at all. Their mother’s ventilator and machines were beeping quite steadily throughout the day and making white noise. Loud white noise.

Tuesday morning they woke up even more tired. They all had a McDonalds breakfast together, which their grandparents brought by. Lottie was stepping out here and there for some work calls, Fizzy was doing the schoolwork she was missing due to staying with them in the hospital, and Daisy and Phoebe took turns braiding their mother’s hair. Louis just sat in the corner chair, and watched everybody, and answered some texts from Niall and colleagues here and there. Dan came back with the little twins in the afternoon. They were fussy all morning, they had enough of being in the hospital with barely any room to play and sleep properly, so he took them home for some downtime.

Their mum was getting weaker, and the doctor came by in the early evening to inform them that Johannah was fighting hard and strong, but there was a limit to what they can all do. It would be a matter of hours and days for her.

Louis had to get out of there. He took all of his siblings out for dinner, leaving his mother with her parents and Dan for some alone time. They collectively decided everybody would get a real chance at spending quality time, and in a way try and say goodbye.

After a Nando’s that was far from cheeky, and would break out on all of their skins in combination with the Maccies breakfast, and all the other junk food they ate in the past days and weeks, they slowly made their way back to the hospital.

Black. Everything was black. With some white spots.

Louis was having a panic attack. He hadn’t had one of those in several years. One moment he was holding his little twin sibling’s hands, while walking through the main entrance of the hospital, the next second he was sure he was dying.

His little siblings tugged at his hand, but he couldn’t move. He couldn’t see. He wasn’t able to breath at all. The only thing he felt were the chest pains. Lottie and Fizzy were further ahead and almost at the elevator, when they realised Louis and the little ones were missing.

When they found Louis, Lottie flagged down a nurse. They got him in a treatment room. He would have to stay in there for half an hour. They told the girls not to worry and Louis assured them he was just fine, and would join them upstairs later on, and that they should make sure Daisy and Phoebe both get their time with their mum in.

It was a bit later than Louis had planned when he rejoined his family. He was feeling just normal again. He quickly had the chance to speak to the attending psychiatrist earlier, and she told him that it was related to him having to say goodbye. It made sense.

Fizzy was already having her turn with their mother, when he joined his family on the floor outside Jay’s room.

Daisy and Phoebe managed to keep the little ones entertained, and the older brother was sure they seemed a little happier, after having had their time with their mum.

“Do you already know what you will say to her?” Lottie asked no one in particular.

“You can say whatever you want to, love. Just make sure you tell her how much you love her and will miss her and anything else, you ever wanted to let her know,” their grandmother told her.

Louis felt positively shit. They had to say goodbye to their mum way too young, but you do enter life knowing you very likely would outlive your mum. What hurt his heart was that Dan, who was so good to his mum, after having had not much luck with the men before, had to say goodbye to his wife before even celebrating their 3rd anniversary. The biggest heartbreak of all were his grandparents. They seemed to hold it together so well, and they still did, but they would be saying goodbye to their daughter, which they never ever in a million years expected.

Johannah’s doctor came by, and him and Fizzy switched. Fizzy came out, and as soon as the door closed she flung herself at her older siblings and sobbed like there was no tomorrow.

“We will be alright. She will be fine, Fiz,” Louis whispered quietly in his sister's hair.

He didn’t believe in what he said for only a little bit.

When the doctor came out, he spoke to Dan for a little, and Dan took the little ones inside their mother’s room.

Louis in the meantime spoke some more to his grandparents about the Charity Ball that Friday. With only 3 more days to go, he was relying on his deputies back in London a lot.

After what felt like forever, Dan came out with the twins and handed them off to Jay’s parents, who were taking them home for the night, to get a good night’s sleep.

Lottie and Louis both weren’t ready to go into their mother’s room to say goodbye. So they did three rounds of Rock, Paper, Scissor and Lottie lost. Louis was relieved. He would get some more time to mentally prepare.

“Lou, come on!” Lottie said a while later, standing in the door.

It was his turn to say goodbye and it was the hardest thing he ever had to do in his life. It would also be one of those things he would be most grateful for, because that goodbye helped so much with closure.

After many tears and the saddest, but most loveliest conversation he ever had in his life, Johannah and her eldest child were joined by the rest of the Tomlinson-Deakins in the late evening.

They talked and joked a lot about nothing too meaningful. Upon his mum’s request, he showed his sisters his outfit for the ball, and they all agreed that yes, he should definitely go for the bow tie.

The conversations drifted off slowly, the cups of tea were running out, and everybody was getting tired. Jay’s doctor came in again to let them all know that it would be alright if they stayed the night.

“With the progression that we are seeing, we will be shutting off your mother’s and your wife’s machine now, if you would sign these forms. After that we would let nature take its course,” Dr. Barry let them know.

Dan hesitated for a few seconds, but Jay was nodding, and tried her best to reassure him with a smile. So he signed the release forms, and everybody cried for a little bit while Dr. Barry slowly shut off everything.

She promised, someone would come by in the early morning hours, to check on them.

They all tried to sit as close to Jay’s bed as possible, which with 6 almost full grown adults was a bit difficult. They talked some more, but soon after the sleepiness set in. The lights were dimmed hours ago, and it was so dark outside that it was so inviting to fall asleep. It might have been super uncomfortable to sleep in a chair, but with how tired they all were, sleep would come so easy. Louis tried his best to fight it. He wanted to be there for his mum. Until the very end.

In the end, it were Louis and Fizzy who managed to stay up until long after midnight. Just staring at their mum, in the almost dark hospital room. Occasionally, they would look at each other and just lock eyes. Their mother was already fast asleep, and it was actually calming to see her chest rise and fall slowly.

Louis tried his hardest to keep his eyes wide open. He didn’t want nature to take its course. All the sleep deprivation, and the emotional exhaustion of the past day, eventually led him to fall asleep in an uncomfortable angle in the very early hours of Wednesday morning.

He didn't know how much later it was. It could have been seconds, minutes, or hours later, when he heard a knock on the door. Everybody was slowly one after one coming to, while one of their mother’s doctors came into the room. They were all so sleepy. His mum was also still fast asleep.

The siblings and Dan all made space for the doctor to check on Johannah.

“I’m sorry, “ was all he said.

All of them knew.

“Are you sure? She looks like she is sleeping,” Phoebe asked.

Louis thought so too. He liked to imagine that his mother was just sleeping, and would be waking up sometime later in the morning for breakfast. She didn’t look like she was gone. It didn’t feel like this would be the last moments he ever saw his mum. But they were, and he couldn’t grasp that very well.

Nobody in the room cried. They were all shocked that she was really gone. The whole year of sadness and pain built up to this day. Its enormity still hit every single one of them with a force they would have never been prepared for. Gone, she was gone. Now, they only had the last moments, to say goodbye to her physical form, and then that would be it.

***

On Friday morning, Louis felt sick. His phone kept on ringing, but he just did not under any circumstance want to answer.

He could hear Fizzy groan from the attached bedroom.

“Louis!” she shouted.

It was Lottie, who eventually emerged first from the other attached bedroom. She stood next to a still sleepy Louis, and turned his phone on silent mode.

“I know you feel shit. Believe me, we all understand, but you have to get ready so that we can all drive to London and get you to rehearsals in time, “ she let him know.

“No! I don’t wanna go. I wanna stay here. Asleep. Just leave me please!” he tried to plead with her.

An already fully dressed Ernie hopped on the couch in the girl’s living room on top of him. That made Louis groan. Right in the gut he got him.

“You will feel absolutely fucking shitty, regardless of what you do. So please put on some clothes and maybe shower,” she said, releasing her hands from Earnie’s ears, now that the swearing was over.

“Mum isn’t even buried yet, and you expect me to put on a happy face, and run this event, while everyone is counting on the chair not to eff it up?”

“It’s raw,” Fizzy now chimed in, “for us all, Louis. Honestly, I also don’t want to go to London to attend a Charity Ball all dressed up, but we promised each other that we will support one another.”

“And remember Lou, you promised mum that you would go ahead and sing that song for her. She will be so proud. Just do it for her,” Lottie said softly.

He did. He made his mum proud, one last time.

The night was a success. The amount of money they had raised was crazy. Media coverage was crazy, and everybody absolutely enjoyed themselves. The food was to die for, and the party was equally as good. Louis honestly didn’t know how he made it through rehearsals, the whole evening, his opening speech, his video tribute, and performing his mum’s song, without publicly losing it even once. More work and a big project for charity. _Tick_

He didn’t even notice the next morning when his family left for Doncaster. Once awake, he stayed in bed for hours. Just staring. At some point, he registered the fact that this wasn’t even his flat. From the little bit he could see from his position on the bed, he was in one of Lottie’s guest rooms.

It must have been early afternoon. He could hear neighbours out and about in the cold December air. He made his way into the living room and found it completely empty, apart from a note from his sister.

_Left with the fam to go back home. Don’t worry you don’t have to come up if you don’t feel up to it. We will understand. Pls just text when you're awake. xx Lots_

That would explain all the missed calls and texts he had from friends and family.

He called Lottie, to calm everyone down.

“Am staying in London for now. I’ll go home in a bit. Can you let Dan and the rest know?” he asked her.

“Yeah, course. We managed to book mum’s service in. It’s on Tuesday. Can you make it by then, you think?” she asked him.

She sounded so tired. He understood.

***

He was back in his flat and already way into his third rom-com of the day. Numb. Totally numb.

He just wanted to feel something. He wanted to cry so badly.

It was Saturday evening and people his age were at Christmas parties, or getting pissed with their mates otherwise. He didn’t dare let his mind wander to Christmas, just yet. It made him feel so empty.

Autopilot set in, and he wasn’t a hundred percent aware of his actions. His body and mind acted on their own, and he put running clothes and trainers on. He somehow remembered to take his phone and keys, and put them in his Adidas windbreaker’s pockets.

His feet took him running straight to Hampstead. Of course they would. This was his place of comfort, and far enough away to leave him gasping for air when he arrived. By the time he was slowing down in front of his bench, tears were already streaming down his face.

He sat down and that was when he actually started to feel pain. His silent tears turned into obscenely loud sobbing.

“Oh, can you bring my bobble hat, next time you’re round? Forgot it in your hallway, I think.”

Louis was so preoccupied with himself that he didn’t even notice Harry coming from the garages, with a big box in his arms, and his phone trapped between his head and right shoulder. He was fiddling with the keys in his hand, and slowly realised he couldn’t be on the phone at the same time as trying to open the door and setting the box down without crushing its contents.

“Gem, I’ll call tomorrow. Home now. Love you and ta,” Harry let the person on the other line know.

He sat the box down on that little grey step in front of his building’s front door. He found it hard to find the right key in the dark. Now that he was off the phone with his sister, he heard painful cries coming from somewhere near him.

“Hi!” someone said, but Louis didn’t hear.

“Hi! Are you alright?”

Louis stopped crying, when he realised that someone spoke to him.

Harry stood in front of him and asked him a question.

“Shall I call someone? Can I help?” Pretty Man asked him.

His mind and body was taken too much by the sadness and pain that he was feeling that there was almost no space for the butterflies he should be feeling. After all, Louis waited almost two years for this very moment. As much as he cared, he could not have cared less.

“You’re not bleeding and nothing is broken it seems. Are you alright? Do you want me to sit with you here?” Harry tried again.

Louis couldn’t focus. He had to take some deep breaths, to at least try and calm himself down a little. Harry now sat next to him with just a few inches between the two men. He was too tired to worry about what the first thing he would say to Harry would be.

“Do you want to talk about it?” the curly haired man asked.

Harry was very patient, Louis later thought. He gave him all the time and room he needed.

“Just tired of being strong,” Louis said. Or at least he thought it was him who said it.  
“I’m fine,” he added.

Convincing no one, not even himself.

“Alright. Hmm.” Harry said doubtfully.

Hesitantly he left the older man alone on the bench and went back to his front door. Once again struggling with the keys. He went into the building and the lights in the left window, the one that belonged to his kitchen, went on.

He was walking around his flat for a bit, and then started to shut the curtains in the living room. The ones in the kitchen were left open. For a second there, Louis thought he saw Harry checking on him, every now and then. In his sadness induced state he really could have just been imagining that.

Louis still sat there just sort of staring around. He heard the building's front door quietly being opened and something dropped on the stairs, and just like that the door was closed again.

Curiosity got the better of him and he went to check.

A see through bag full of homemade Christmas cookies, and other baked goods, with a pretty bow around it to hold it all in the bag, stood there. It had a note on it.

_Hope you feel better soon!_

_There is dairy and nuts inside, in case of allergies._

_It will be alright xx H_

He didn’t know what to do. After some consideration, he decided to take the bag and head home. He was tired. He needed sleep.

When he came home he put the bag on his coffee table in the living room.

He forgot all about it for a long time. Well, three weeks for everyone that was counting.

***

After the holidays Louis decided it is time to return to London full-time and at least try and live a life there. Niall was throwing a NYE party, and Louis and Lottie were forced by the Irish man to come.

Louis spent most of his time at home and was in London only a couple of days in between to support his clients in court. Louis’ Birthday and Christmas were a small and sombre affair that year. The only kind of celebration was held for the little twins, to keep up their spirit of Christmas. When they asked for their mum, he occasionally cried. By the time Christmas came around, the two of them got the concept of mummy being an angel now a little more.  
He also cried Christmas morning, because everyone got presents with Christmas cards from their mother. Dan had bought them in November, and Jay had used her last strength to write cards.

It was all so much for Louis. He actually really looked forward to being on his own, when the bus was pulling up in front of his building. He got out with all of his bags and made his way up to his flat.

He had 2 days to himself, before he would have to see Niall socially on New Years Eve. On the way up to his flat he decided that he would push doing his laundry for a few days and just chill for now. There was peace and quiet, Netflix, and some naps to catch up on.

He even managed to hop into the shower and change into comfy clothes. His sisters were right. He had lost weight. A lot of it, actually. Nothing really fit him right anymore. At least he could tick that of his list. Tick.

He made his way into his cosy living room, when he spotted the bag of baked goods.

“Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuckity Fuck!” Louis shouted.

Harry spoke to him and he cocked it up, massively. Granted, he just lost his mother three days earlier, but oh god.

He talked to Pretty Man. The man from the ground-floor flat in Hampstead. The man of his dreams. Harry.

Louis was sure the other man thought he must be psycho.

There was no going back now. It was too late anyways. He turned on his telly, put Netflix on and settled for the first Christmas movie on his start page and he opened the bag.

Half of it was gone after 20 minutes. Having known what Harry got up to in the kitchen, it should not have surprised Louis that his treats tasted like a mix of heaven, love and home.

Louis laid on his couch content, and for the first time in a long time, actually sort of okay. Nibbling on some buttery shortbread he thought, _I might just be in love with that man_. The image of Harry baking came to his mind. The next thing that came to mind was the night he and Harry talked shortly three weeks ago. _Tick._


	3. 2017

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry to everyone who read this before I saw how weirdly it got uploaded. Love you all.

They were freaking smashed. It was shortly after 2 am and Louis was on Niall’s balcony with his two sisters.

“God, I love, fucking love partying,” Lottie told them.

“Only with you babes,” Niall slurred to her.

That earned him a clap on the back of his head from Louis. He knew Niall’s flirting with Lottie was just harmless. There was quite the age gap between them, and it was his best friend and sister they were talking about, so no way in hell would he ever let that happen. He had that talk with Niall the day they met in the office and the Irish lad had found out that Lou had a handful of sisters at home. Louis straight up told him it would never in a million years happen.

“So my loves, this will be the second to last party in this bachelor pad ever,” Niall announced.

“What are your plans?” Fizzy asked him.

“Found a new place. This fucker will be moving to Hampstead.”

“Oh wow, mate! Congrats. You put in some billables the past months, huh?” Louis asked his friend.

“Urgh lads, no shoptalk!” Lottie shouted.

“Pfff, I put in a shiton of billables, to put a deposit down in swanky _Norf Lahnden_.”

Fizzy was watching them all amused. She wasn’t as off her face as her siblings or Niall. The conversations she was part of were so messy.

They partied into the early hours of the morning, and when almost everybody left around 5 am, the three Tomlinsons stayed.

This year all of them got to the New Year’s Day Parade too late. Not one of them cared, because for the first time in a few weeks they had a normal night out.

***

It was a Thursday at the end of January. Louis had a shitty day at work and ran to Hampstead to the comfort of his bench. On any given Thursday he might have been on the phone to his mother, but that couldn’t happen anymore.

His phone rang.

Fizzy rang him. Bless her, she knew some days of the week were harder than others.

“So I decided that I will go to Prom and chill at home for a bit after.”

“Alright, and then?” Louis asked.

He wanted his best for his sister, and hoped she would go to sixth form, at least.

“I’m gonna move to London. Already talked to Lots about it and she offered me one of her guestrooms,” she told him very matter of fact.

Louis wondered what the appropriate response was to a decision taken by a loved one that you absolutely do not like.

“Felicite,” he started slowly.

“Cut me some slack, Lou. It’s 2017 and if I wanna try my hand at something creative and cool in London, just let me do it. If it doesn’t work out, I can always do my A-Levels and go study something after.”

He supposed she was right. Lottie was almost like a star in a way. There were now millions following her on Instagram, and she was making even more money off it. _The world was crazy_ , he thought. If his sister wanted to follow in her footsteps, she might as well do it now.

“At least you’re doing your GCSE’s,” he told her, happy that she would at least have some form of degree.

“Oh yeah, by the way, don’t get your expectations up on those. Don’t feel like doing much schoolwork at the moment. There is still a lot on my mind.”

He understood her. It resonated with him a lot. He was momentarily distracted from giving her some heartfelt advice, because the living room lights went on, and Harry plopped himself down on the sofa by the floor to ceiling window.

“Listen, Fiz. It’s absolutely alright to have your head full of more distracting things and people, like mum. It has only been a few weeks. Just go to your bereavement classes, do the best you can do every day and take everything as it comes. You know that everybody is just a phone call away. And if it gets really really bad, we can come and visit you on the weekend, or book you a train ticket home, or to one of us in London, you know that.”

“You know, Lou. I find it so funny that they call it bereavement classes, when it is literally only me and the counselor in the room and nobody else,” she mused.

Louis smiled. “Yeah, funny that, hmm?”

They talked about more trivial things after and Fizzy promised her big brother that latest by March she would slowly start to actively do good in school and then ace her GCSEs in May and June.

“Love and miss you! Also, I can’t wait to see you next, and don’t go on the internet! There are so many Scandal spoilers. They’re currently streaming in the US and I can’t wait until we can see it,” she let him know.

“Yeah Fiz, come on and do some homework! Bye”

There was a lot to process and he was still not super happy with her moving to London, but he absolutely enjoyed their talks on the phone.

***

“Niall, are you sure this is your address?” Louis asked his friend on the first day of February.

“I spent all of my savings on that address, I’m very much sure that is the right one,” he let his friend know.

They sat in the office that day and were planning Niall’s move for the week after. They would do it Saturday so that no holidays would have to be taken, and that they could get smashed on the first night and have hangovers on Sunday. Solid plan that they came up with between the two of them.

“Your sister and her boyfriend are also helping and she’ll have some space in her car.”

“Well, MY sister hasn’t told me yet, but good for you. Anyways, you know how I like Hampstead and how I like going for a run there?” the older one asked his friend.

Niall nodded.

“And the guy there,” Louis mumbled to himself.

“What was that?” Niall asked. “Can’t hear you from the other side of the room, mate.”

“Just funny, because I actually know where you will be moving. Know my way around there a bit. Also, we will be living so much closer to one another. Just one run away. That’s sick!” Louis let his friend know.

“It’s a posh little street, yeah? They even have flowers and shit around the trees in the sidewalk. And don’t get me started on some of the houses in the neighbourhood or some of the names walking around there, “ Niall said.

Niall would move to Louis’ favourite street. He would actually move only a few buildings down the street from where Harry lived. He would move into that tall building full of new and shiny flats. _Lucky bastard_ , he thought.

Louis decided after work that today would be a good day. He promised Niall earlier that he would swing by the new place to check it out and measure some stuff for his new and old furniture. He originally had plans to spend all evening in front of Harry’s flat, but now Niall was moving, his life would get so easier and he could combine things.

Niall’s flat was absolutely incredible. Louis was a little jealous. He knew that later that year or maybe next he would be able to move to another place of his own as well, but that Niall was just better with handling money at the moment. And he also didn’t have a farm full of siblings he was financially supporting a little, and some hospital bills from his mother he was splitting with some of his family.

“Best feature is the balcony and the views. Look at that, Tommo! Can see Westminster from up here. Isn’t that cool?” Niall asked him super excited pointing at Big Ben.

Louis stepped out onto the Balcony which wrapped around several rooms and the views were breathtaking. To the front, he could see London, and he was sure in the summer months the sunsets would be amazing. To the side, he could look into the gardens down the street. He was sure in the summer months the sunsets would be amazing, because one of the gardens had to be Harry’s.

When he said goodbye a little later he made his way to Harry's flat in the hopes of catching a good birthday party from outside. He was disappointed real quick. The flat was empty. Lights were out, no music was on, there certainly wasn’t anybody home, and all the curtains were shut. Even the big ones in the kitchen that go over the little flimsy white half curtain.

So much for _Harry’s birthday was the best day of the year_.

***

Something was off.

When Louis came to sit in his favourite place to just clear his mind and mindlessly watch Harry, he never showed. Which was also the case when he passed by the flat on his way home after a weekend of helping Niall move in down the street.

And another week passed by until he sat down and one of the curtains was actually moved. He waited almost an hour only to find out that the only person in that flat was what looked like Harry’s sister watering some plants and watching some telly.

Louis had a bit of Harry withdrawal for a few weeks. Niall on the other hand was completely oblivious to why his best friend was showing up several evenings a week. He would not be one to complain.

***

Work was beginning to slow down a little and the caseload dropped towards the end of March.

Louis, still ever so hopeful ,went about his routine as he always did, and never gave up hope that Harry would return home. After all, if he had really moved, his sister or mother would not be in the flat from time to time.

It was a good Thursday for Louis, when he was slowly getting off the phone with Fizzy and Harry simultaneously got out of a black tinted car with two leather travel bags. _Quite classy_ , Louis had to admit.

Harry was a sight for sore eyes. A button down shirt which was half unbuttoned and showed Louis the tattoos he rarely was able to see through the windows, sunglasses on his face that framed it so nicely, as well as ridiculous black pants. Overall Harry looked so sexy to Louis that he was so distracted, and didn’t notice Harry staring right back.

He had put the two bags down on his building’s front step and was once again fiddling with his keys. They had to be somewhere in his bags.

“Haven’t I seen you around before?” Harry asked Louis.

The latter one was momentarily in shock. Harry spoke to him. Or did he? He hastily checked around, but there seemed to be nobody behind him. It was a mad good day for Louis.

“Yeah, maybe.”

Louis wanted to play it cool. Really cool. Yes, he just liked to sit on a bench in Hampstead, and that really wasn’t a crime. But knowing someone and their friends and family through their window seemed to be a bit problematic to an outsider.

Harry managed to open the front door and was gone again, just as fast as he came.

***

Harry with a baby. That’s all Louis wanted in life, now that he had seen it.

Harry’s friend, whose name is probably Liam according to Louis' memory, came by with a beautiful woman and a baby.

The Pretty Man Louis saw through the window with that baby was his new favourite thing on earth. Harry instantly fell in love with the baby in front of Louis’ eyes, and his heart skipped a beat. He melted right there on the bench. Harry’s softness and the silly faces he pulled for the baby totally distracted him from Harry’s friends.

“What the fuck?” Louis exclaimed. “That’s Cheryl freaking Cole.”

_You’d never guess who I saw x_ , he texted Fizzy.

She never did guess, because who would know that Louis was still regularly stalking the man from the window and happened to see Cheryl Cole in there. 

“It’s been two years, don’t you think it’s time to find new obsessions?” Lottie asked him at a Launch Party a few days later.

She had picked out some nail polish colours and put some creative input in, a brand slapped her name on it, or at least that is what Louis thought, and Lottie launched it that night. Louis was so proud of her nonetheless. The alcohol was flowing more and more the later it got, and Louis was like one of those girls on the kitchen floor at a house party crying about her love for a boy that ignored her.

That was how Niall found out about Harry, Lottie found out that her brother’s heart was more invested in this than she thought, and Fizzy woke up to 5 voice memos the next morning all of Louis sopping about Harry from the windows, how he definitely loved him more than he thought, and that they would for sure make beautiful Daddys to cute babies

***

Harry was missing again for almost all of April and May. Louis absolutely hated that. Sure, Harry was home like once or twice, but it wasn’t the same. Even if he seemed to be there he wasn’t spending too much time at home. At least not enough time in Louis’s eyes.

With Harry not in the windows, or with his sister there watering some plants, Louis had too much time to think. He was really good at avoiding grief sometimes. His mum died only a few months ago and it was still raw, but he absolutely and terribly despised the feeling. He also didn’t want to worry his siblings, so he did his best to actually be fine, and ignore most bad feelings he was feeling.

The number one person to profit from Harry’s absence was still Niall, who eventually stopped asking why his best friend was over so often. Due to all the time they spend more than before they actually talked less at work, thus leading to promotion talk for Louis, because he now got more work done.

“Should’ve stopped joking around earlier,” he let Niall know the day before his talk with his boss.

“Oh fuck off!”

Louis was deeply unsettled and nervous. He had been waiting on that promotion since last year, mainly because he has always been ambitious and set his life plan out with one promotion a year. So when life tried to curveball him, he got more than determined to at least get promoted 2017.

“Louis, you have been with the firm since your pupilage. You have grown tremendously since then and have become irreplaceable. To keep you motivated and loyal to the cause we wanted to offer you a promotion to Senior Barrister. How does that sound?” his boss asked him a few days later.

He was so excited. He had prepared his words carefully the day before.

“Kristy, thank you so much for the opportunity, and your unwavered continuous support. I will continue to work hard.”

Kristy smiled, she hated all this fakeness just as much as him.

“Louis, we expected nothing less of you. Due to your new title you will be charging more. Please notify your clients and update your information accordingly. We have limited office space at the moment so you will still be sharing the office with Mr. Horan. For the next promotion your own four walls are definitely something we will be looking at. To make up for this, we would like to offer you the chance to take you on the incentive retreat, “ she told him.

 _Oh wow!_ He heard from the seniors that the past few years had been absolutely amazing. He would do anything to go on that trip with them.

“So what numbers do I have to hit to go with you? And where are you going?” he asked.

“Ah Louis! See, the location is only ever disclosed the day of. If you clock 2,000 billable hours in the year of 2017 and win at least 70% of your cases, that is when you get to pack your sunnies and join us in December on the getaway.”

“70%, huh? Alright. I’m gonna do my best!”

When he told Niall all about it after, the Irish Man was sure Louis would make it to the retreat. 

“Tommo, they send us our vitals like every week or so. I’m sure you’re on track for this,” Niall let him know.

He was right. He opened his vitals that Lisbeth had sent him a few days earlier. He was almost at 1,000 hours and his winning percentage was at 53% so far. It was only the end of May. He had many more months to fix those numbers for the better. His hours were so good already, because clearly he didn’t spend too much time in front of Harry’s flat anymore.

***

Niall and Louis saw each other and drank less together in June. Louis had to hustle a bit and he had a downtime scheduled for home in July as well as a getaway with his family.

The cases he got were easier to get more hours in. Now that he was a Senior, he got more complicated ones. As he was currently the only Senior in his department it was even easier to get to his target. He was hoping for a tropical getaway in December.

Just before he was set to go home, it seemed Harry was back for a summer in London. He looked exhausted from what Louis was able to see. Due to the rising temperatures the windows were almost always open now. Louis could not believe his luck.

He put off packing his bags for his family getaway in lieu of watching Harry a bit more. There were a couple questions he desperately wanted answers for. Who was backing bread in that heat? What kind of person was baking pie right after that? Who even had the energy to cook themselves a nice smelling dinner right after all that? Why wasn’t his Pretty Man dancing and singing like he used to?

***

The few days home were exactly what Louis needed. He loved coming home to the smell of his mother still lingering in the house, even after all the time she hadn’t been there. Their favourite picture of Johannah was hanging in the dining room, and it didn’t make Louis as sad anymore. He had noticed though that it made his sister Fizzy a little sad.

Lottie and Louis came with her car from London. He went to Hackney in the morning and they made their way to Doncaster. All they seemed to talk about in the car was their little sister, whom they were worried about. They all knew that people cope differently with sadness and grief, but they both agreed something was off about the way she handled it. She always told them she was fine, but she didn’t look fine at all.

They wanted to keep a close eye on her on their holiday and take her under their wings once she would move to London after the summer.

They all enjoyed two sunny days at home in Doncaster, before making their way to Orlando from Doncaster Airport. Their grandparents, all the siblings, Dan and his Parents and Louis were about to spend a few days in Disney World, and then move on to LA, where they had rented a big villa at the beach. It was the holiday of a lifetime for them. Their mum would have enjoyed it greatly. Life seemed fine for those two weeks they all had together.

***

When one of Louis’ first missions in London was going on a walk to Hampstead instead of succumbing to his jetlag, he got gravely disappointed to find Harry’s flat empty. It seemed he was gone again. Louis hoped just for the day. When he came back from Niall’s place in the evening, Harry still wasn’t home.

Harry was gone for most of July. Louis didn’t particularly like that. He had more time to enjoy the summer with his sister and his friends in London though. There wasn’t a festival he did not attend on his weekends off.

“Dan, what’s up?” he greeted his stepfather on the phone one Monday evening.

“Can you come home this weekend, or next? There is something I would like to talk to you and Lottie about in person.”

He didn’t like the sound of that. It seemed so serious. Lottie wasn’t any wiser than him it seemed. Their grandparents were short with them on the phone as “they had some serious business to attend to”. Louis didn’t like the sound of that at all. 

Their family was patchwork at its finest, and Louis always knew and appreciated that. His mum did her best to keep them all together under one roof for all their life, so what Dan told them the following weekend was a shock to Louis and Lottie.

He wanted to move out with the little twins, in a place of their own. Their grandparents, who were also in the room, were not even talking to Dan anymore. It seemed that from the moment their family holidays were over things in Doncaster had turned sour. Johannah's parents wanted to fight this and even got legal counsel, which Louis was slightly miffed about, because he should have been the first choice for that counsel. With his years of work experience and knowing his family better than anybody, he knew his grandparents had to give up and let Dan move out with the little twins. They had only the slightest chance of winning.

They would all wait until Fizzy would move to London, at the end of August, and then that was it. Fizzy would move in with Lottie at first. Johannah’s parents would move into their daughter’s house permanently, and the little ones were moving out and a few towns over. Louis hated this. For the first time in a very very long time their family seemed to be all over the place, and a little messed up.

“Lou, we just have to take it as it comes. All we can do is support Fizzy, when she moves here, and visit everybody else as much as we can,” Lottie told him on the way back to London.

“Yeah, I suppose you're right. Doesn’t mean I am not fucking angry as hell. It’s mad. Absolutely mental.”

His sister just nodded in silent agreement.

***

Louis was exhausted from his week at work. He spent a few hours in the courts with a client, and he also took on several new cases. On the other hand his vitals looked on track for a nice incentive trip in December.

Niall and he spent almost all of Saturday fixing up one of Lottie’s guest rooms for Fizzy’s move to London. They parted ways in the afternoon and Louis spent a total of five minutes at home, before he needed to clear his head. So, he headed to Hampstead. To see Harry, not Niall, again.

Harry was home. He had the windows open, and he was doing something in the living room. But mostly, he was home.

“Tommo!?”

Louis didn’t hear. He was too preoccupied with Harry being there, behind the window.

“Aww, did you miss me Tommo?” Niall asked.

That made him look up. _Fuck_. He got caught in the act by Niall.

“What are you doing here, Niall?”

“What am I doing here? The fuck, Tommo? Fecking hell I live here, remember?”

Louis couldn’t argue with that.

“So, I just came from the shops, “ Niall said pointing to his two plastic bags.

He would have to buy Niall a tote bag for his birthday next month. Couldn’t let his friend be seen with plastic bags in Hampstead. That was just embarrassing.

“I can see that, mate. I was just sitting here y’know. Actually waiting for you to get home.”

Louis was trying his best to get out of this.

“Interesting. Now why are you really here, Tommo? You alright?”

Niall set his bags down on the pavement, and sat down next to Louis, who didn’t take his eyes off a changing Harry. The new shirt was tighter and Louis' thoughts were all jumbled by having seen Harry’s abs, and also seeing his biceps through the tight fitting new shirt.

“Ah I see. So is this Pretty Man, then?” Niall asked.

For someone who wasn’t always that perceptive, he sure was in that moment.

“That’s him. Embarrassing, innit?” Louis asked his friend shyly.

“I don’t quite see you fitting together yet, and also you stalk him. In terms of looks though, I think he’s got something going for him,” Niall let him know.

“He used to have long hair. Really liked that on him. He’s well fit, either way.”

“Well, I’m gonna trust you on this, then. Didn’t see you going for a long-haired dude, to be honest.”

“I can still surprise you, glad to hear it. I think you’d like him. From the bits I get to hear and see I actually think you guys like some of the same stuff.”

Niall scoffed. “Like what?”

“Music, and stuff. Like, you know, golfing maybe? One of his mates gifted him a full set one birthday,” Louis let him know.

They talked a bit more about Harry, until Niall was weirded out a little. He knew so much about this guy now, but he didn’t know the man. The Irish lad made his way home to cook dinner for one. He would see Louis soon enough on Monday morning.

***

The hot days slowly became less and less in August. Louis had a stressful day at work and hadn’t been outside of the office, or his own flat, in three days. It was summer and he was young, and he should live life. So, he went outside and just followed the crowds. They ended up taking him in the direction of Hampstead. He didn’t mind.

The curly haired man in the window seemed to be in a good mood. Louis sat down on the bench opposite of the opened kitchen window and watched as Harry gathered ingredients.

He was baking some kind of pie. It smelled incredible. Louis thought a piece of pie would make this day infinitely better. 

In his mind, he was going through everything he had to do the next week. He had written a song called _Miss You_ and his producer friend had finished the recordings, and put it all together for him to listen to. They were still deciding on where to put it up. Probably Spotify. Louis had no intention of showing himself on YouTube, and black screens with songs in the background were just laughable in his opinion, and so 2009. He would also have to come up with a place to take his sisters to, once Fizzy moved down to the city to them. He wanted to hang out, just the three of them, in their new hometown.

He was so distracted that he didn’t even notice that the window in the kitchen had fully opened and a paper bag stood on Harry’s window sill.

That was random. Louis wasn’t sure why it was there. Did someone put it there? Did Harry put it there? But, why?

Curiosity got the better of him, and before he left, he got close to Harry’s window and looked at the white paper bag that stood there. It had a note attached.

_For you! Something sweet for the sour face :) xx H_

Louis was more or less sure that this was for him now. Why else would it have a note attached. It reminded him of the Christmas goods Harry had baked, way back when.

He decided to just go for it, and took the paper bag from the window sill, and went home. There was a paper box inside, and what looked like a mini cherry pie in the paper box. Lunch the next day was saved.

“Oh my god this is so good! Probably only tastes good because you stole it Tommo,” Niall let him know in the office, the next day.

Louis felt bad not to share, with a pie looking that tasty, and Niall was very happy to accept his piece of the pie.

“I didn’t steal it. If it wasn’t meant for me, Harry would surely have run after me to get it back, or shooed me off before that.”

“Too bad he didn’t,” Niall moaned, mouth still half full.

***

Just a week later Louis went to Hampstead for the third time that week. The first day that week Harry had baked. Louis couldn’t really tell what. There wasn’t much of a smell, as the windows were closed. He could make out Harry’s dancing, and saw him singing into a spatula, so it was almost okay.

“What will be the last things you will do back in Donny?” Louis asked his sister on the phone.

“Don’t be so dramatic, Lou. I’m only moving to London and I’m sure Donny won’t change. I don’t have a bucket list if that’s what your after,” Fizzy let her older brother know.

Louis laughed. Sometimes he was a tad dramatic, and he knew.

“Oh btw Fiz, got our weekend packed with fun London stuff. I know you’ve been here a trazillion times before, but yeah.”

“Thanks Lou. Will be good anyways. Can’t wait to be with you. Please don’t ever say btw, like weirdo, ever again.”

They talked about her upcoming move and some of the stuff they saw online about the new and last season of their show Scandal. Louis got distracted.

“What do you think, Lou?” his sister asked him for the second time. “Lou?”

“Sorry yeah, exactly.”

“God, you’re not even listening. What are you doing?”

Louis stuttered: ”Erm, well. Yeah, so, well. Basically, I am sitting on my bench at Harry’s, again. He just opened his kitchen windows, put a plate of some sort of, erm, bread I think on the window sill and left. Like a proper plate for me and all.”

His sister sighed. “I think you might be working a bit too much, hun. Seems you’re delusional. Don't go stealing this poor guy’s dinner, yeah? He’s got enough on his plate with you as a stalker, doesn’t need to go hungry as well.”

“Fiz,” he started, but his throat got all dry and he got a bit teary eyed. “You sounded exactly like mum just now.”

“That’s, erm, thanks, Boo. I miss her terribly, you know?”

And he knew. He felt the same.

“Fizzy, I’m telling you. Whatever he made for me had to be meant for me. He is currently being in a completely different room. Shall I just take it with me and return the plate another time. Like, what is the protocol here?”

“Oh hun, I don’t know either. Just eat it, I guess. Just leave the plate on the window sill?”

He decided his sister was right, and he ended his call. He counted to three, mustered up all his courage, and went to Harry’s kitchen window. It was some kind of fancy bread with stuff in it, he realised. It smelled amazing, and he was a little sad to realise that he probably could have had it warm, if his sister wasn’t trying to tell him he was crazy.

He was halfway done and just lounging on the bench, when he saw Harry return to the kitchen. He was doing something. He never looked at Louis weird or got angry about the missing bread from the window. _So it was for me_ , Louis concluded.

***

Louis’ belly was full. He was glad he chose to wear joggers that day. It was Sunday and by the time he said goodbye to his sisters in Hackney the elastics on the top of his joggers was a bit tighter than before. Granted, new Londoner Fizzy and her two older siblings ate their way around the capital with the help of afternoon tea, and take outs, and street-food. That stroll along Southbank Food Market was kind of the last thing Louis could eat that day.

Until he decided to walk it all off further and made his way from his flat, in which he spent a total of 5 minutes that weekend, to his beloved bench in Hampstead. The one in front of the two windows with the gorgeous man in it.

The windows were open and there was a sweet familiar smell coming out of them. Louis was instantly transported back into his childhood. Harry was making that sponge cake recipe that smelled like his mum’s cake. 

The kitchen window opened fully an hour later. A flour dusted Harry appeared and for the first time in forever seemed to really looked at Louis. He winked at the Doncaster boy and gifted him with a smile, dropping a light brown paper bag on the window sill.

Louis didn’t even have proper time to react. It was all over in just a second. But Harry, Pretty Man from the windows, winked at him. All he wanted was to replay that moment again, and again. He already knew, he would be dreaming about that smile forever. He was so caught up in it all that he almost forgot to take the paper bag home that day.

***

It kind of became a regular thing.

There was always something left for Louis. Mostly sweet, and sometimes savory. Louis was amazed by the sheer amount of variety. Of course, somethings repeated themselves, like the cherry pie, or the peach pie, or the basque burnt cheesecake (he had to google the name for that one). He liked the savory treats, and the snacks the best.

In between all the happiness this brought him, he also put out _Miss You_ on Spotify, and Niall was hyping it as well as some kids at the charity.

“Wow Lou! How many again?” Fizzy asked him.

They met up outside his flat and walked to Hampstead. His sister was determined to get a good look at Pretty Man/the baker/hot guy/hot stuff/curly wurly/Harry.

“786 people, as of like 20 minutes ago, have streamed the song already. Fiz, just think about it. Like, oh my god!”

When he checked the Spotify stats earlier, he couldn’t believe his eyes. That is probably more people than he knew.

“What else can you see? Can I see?” she asked him while already grabbing his phone.

“Sure, of course you can, sweetheart. You could have also asked for my phone first, but that’s alright, my darling!” he let her know sarcastically.

“Calm down, Lou. Where do I find it? I don’t see, oh actually, nevermind. Holy shit! Shut up!” Fizzy exclaimed. “29 different countries are listening to your song. Now even my brother is getting some fame.”

“Hey! What’s that supposed to mean? To the right, Fiz,” he directed his sister turning onto Harry’s street. 

Well really, it was Niall’s and Harry’s street.

“Tadaa. This is it,” Louis pointed at the bench.

“Just a bench, eh?” Fizzy mused.

So they sat down, and talked for a while. Fizzy always had her eyes trained on the window. Harry was doing something. He hadn’t shown his face just yet.

“For what it’s worth Boo Bear, he looks fit from the back already. But can we talk about the fact that you will probably become big in Japan?” Fizzy was jumping right back into the Spotify conversation.

“I told you already. It is all super exciting but A) it is not even a thousand streams and B) I am not like Lots and you with the ambition to be super known and stuff.”

“About that.” She looked at her big brother shyly.

“What about that, Fiz?” He demanded to know.

“Now that I have actually experienced what Lottie does and gained some followers myself, and started going to places, and events with her, I’m not sure that is really what I want. I want to do more charity work, and some more hand-on creative things, like, I don't know. Just not this.”

“Alright. Have you looked into whatever you wanna do? All I want is that you make an informed decision,” he told her earnestly.

“Who sounds like mummy, now?” his sister chuckled.

“Hey! I mean it Fiz, I just want you,” he started but movement caught his eye. “Fizzy, quick!”

Harry opened the window briefly to put down a small white paper bag with Morrisons written on it. Of course, he would have been pretentious enough to shop there. Louis might have made better money now than ever, but one could sure still find him in Tesco or Aldi.

“Lou! He is. He’s gorgeous. Oh my days!” Fizzy let him know. “So what now? Do you just take whatever is in there? You know, he could be poisoning you for all we know.”

“Oh shut up, Fizzy. I’m about to poison you, and yes I’m gonna get that bag, and not share with you,” he let her know matter of fact.

“Hey, wait!” his sister put her arm in front of him to keep him seated.

Harry appeared and opened the window to place down a second paper bag, dark brown with the Ikea Logo this time, on the window sill.

“Huh. He might like you. Now go get our treats. Bless him to put a second bag there, though.”

She also said something about him being attentive or something along those lines. Louis was already getting the bags down from the window sill. They were still warm.

“It smells incredible, Lou!”

“Wait till you eat it. His pies are so incredible. From experience, I can tell you they are better hot.”

So they stayed on the bench and ate their slices of pie while the sun was disappearing more and more.

When they eventually said goodbye and Fizzy jumped on the next bus, she promised her big brother to think more about what she wanted to do with her future.

***

_Heard Fizzy met your dreamboat of a man. Not cool and fair. x_

Lovely. He received that text from Lottie a few days later. He absolutely loved being in a quarrel between his sisters. Not.

He knew from years of being their brother that they would settle it in a matter of hours, but someone (him) had to take the blame first. Louis promised Lottie that he would take her to see Harry next time Niall was having a party down the road.

Seeing that it was October already and the early darkness made everybody sad, Niall had plenty of excuses to bring his balcony to good use. So before getting there Lottie patiently waited for her brother to arrive and he took her a few houses down to see Harry. Only Harry was out that day. And most of the next few weeks. He seemed to be gone for most of October, and a big chunk of November.

Someone was in, here and there, because the curtains were moved sometimes, and one day he found a little box with some cupcakes on the windowsill.

He kind of missed Harry. Work was slowly picking up again, and Louis had less time for charity work, and less time for a personal life. After everything that happened with his mum and the whole life is short deep talks he had with his sisters he made it a point to at least be out of the office at a normal time on Thursdays. After all, they were the pre-weekend day, and overall he liked that day of the week.

It was a Thursday in late November and Louis' head was spinning. He spent most of his day either in court or going over a statement with his secretary Lisbeth. On top of that, he received a stats email from Spotify and over four thousand people had listened to _Miss You_ , and a massive amount of those had actually saved the song. On top of that, _A Sibling Wish_ asked him for some last minute help with this year’s ball. After all, after the 2016 one he was known as the master of disaster and last minute fixes. And he really had a hard time saying no, when the chair of the ball asked him to join them in the last weeks leading up to it. Fizzy also told him she wanted to go travelling by herself, and she wanted to get into Fashion Design.

With all of this that was going on in his head, and so many questions that whirred around and distracted him he needed to do something. He cancelled his gym membership ages ago, after having lost so much weight due to his mother’s death, and going or running to Hampstead, instead of going just a few blocks over and using the treadmill, or other equipment over there. Right now, he wished he could row his mind blank, and get his heart pumping. A nice walk to Hampstead it is then. He actually couldn't bother to change much about his appearance. He still was wearing his white dress shirt and blazer, but with stylish joggers, and Adidas now.

Harry’s flat was dark, but the curtains were open, so he had to be home. After about 20 minutes a curly haired man appeared in the now brightly lit kitchen and started cooking. He seemed a bit off to Louis. He wasn’t dancing and singing as much as he expected. After a few minutes he stopped cooking entirely. Harry seemed to be very still. His back was still turned to Louis.

Suddenly, Louis didn’t know where to look anymore. Harry was coming to the window and he opened it.

“Hey do you want to come in?” Harry asked.

Louis was lost for words. This was exciting and embarrassing.

“Me?” he asked, also checking behind him, just in case.

“Yeah, c’mon I’ll open the door for you,” Harry let him know.

Not even five seconds later, Louis still sat shocked on his bench. _WTF_ , was all he could think. He was ripped out of his state, as he could hear the buzzer of the door loud and clear.

“It’s happening,” he whispered to himself, pinching himself in the right arm.

He quickly made his way to the door and stepped through. The hallway was dark but got illuminated from an open flat door on the right. Louis had to take about five steps on a little staircase until he was in front of Harry’s flat. He didn’t know what to do so he breathed in deep, and just went in. Into Harry’s flat. _Am I dreaming or hallucinating_ , he asked himself.

“Apologies, the food was in danger of burning. Kitchen is the first door on the right,” Harry’s lovely and raspy voice halled through the flat.

Louis still couldn’t believe it. He looked around real quick, without seeming like a stalker.

There were three doors to the left, one at the end of the hallway, and two doors to the right. The door to the living room was open, and Louis was hoping he could get a peak first hand, and not just through the window later on.

The hallway itself was like out of a magazine. He immediately spotted the David Bowie and Elton John posters opposite of the long mirror on one of the walls. The rug on the floor looked so cosy and inviting. He pictured himself sleeping on there for a moment. That's how cosy it looked. There were also some vinyl disks hung up around Bowie and Elton. He liked that. His favourite part was the bright blue dresser on the left between the first two doors. At first it seemed a bit messy and rowdy, but if you gave your eyes a second to adjust, you found all kinds of different knick knacks, and a bowl full of keys.

After an internal battle of shoes on or off, Louis decided it would be best to take them off, and be a good guest.

“You alright there?” he could hear Harry call out.

That was his sign to hurry up, and be less creepy and actually face Harry in person.

“Sorry, just put my shoes off,” he let Harry know, appearing in the kitchen doorway.

It was very white and sterile, but the wall Louis never got to see from the outside was actually covered in paintings. Horrible paintings, either done by a very out there abstract artist, or children. He really hoped for the latter. He never understood people that paid a lot for something his little twin siblings could do in 2 minutes with a little bit of finger paint.

“So sorry, erm, if this is a bit weird, but I’ve just seen you a lot, and I was making dinner, and uh, yeah.” Harry started explaining.

Louis didn’t know what the right thing to say was, so he just smiled, or at least he was hoping he was smiling and not doing his weird grimace of a half smile that his family teased him for.

“Anyways,” Harry put his hand out toward Louis. ”Hi, I’m Harry. Nice to meet you!”

 _How is this man real_ , was all Louis could think.

“Louis, but you can call me Lou if you want to.”

Shaking Harry’s hand sent tingles all over his body.

“Yeah, erm, so I don’t know where you want to eat. Kitchen or living room?” Harry asked his guest nervously.

Louis was torn. He was dying to get a look at the living room, but the kitchen table seemed smaller and more intimate.

“I don’t want to trouble you. Kitchen is just fine,” he let Harry know.

Nobody knew what to say next. It was kind of tense in the kitchen. Harry was cooking away at the stove, and Louis made himself comfortable on one of the only two seats. The table was a thin high table, like an American breakfast bar almost, with a white marble finish. The two highchairs were cream coloured, and nearly stood out against the very white kitchen. Louis sat down on the chair in front of the coloured wall. He studied the paintings a little. They were all very endearing. Some even said _for Uncle Harry_.

“Most of them are crafted by my nephew, or my godchildren,” Harry explained and turned his head towards Louis.

“They are so cute. I love that they are covering most of the wall.”

Harry smiled at that.

“So Louis, do you have any nephews or nieces?” Harry asked.

“God, no please. I’m the eldest of seven and I would die a little inside if I’d be an Uncle already.”

The slightly panicked look on Louis’ face made Harry laugh.

“Seven is incredible. That must have been so cool growing up. How old are your brothers and sisters?”

“Actually, one brother only, and five sisters.”

Harry turned around this time and let the food simmer on the stove a bit.

“Crazy,” the younger man commented.

“So my siblings kind of come in pairs of twos. There is Lottie and Fizzy, 19 and 17. Then there is Phoebe and Daisy, they’re twins and both troubled 13, and the last two are Doris and Ernie, also twins, and they are only a wee little three years old. What about you?” Louis asked him.

“Not nearly as exciting,” Harry started and turned his attention fully back to the food on the stove. “I’m the baby. I have an older sister, Gemma, she is four years older. Mike, my step brother is older than the two of us, and his son painted most of the stuff on my wall.”

Gemma. Louis wasn’t far off with something like Emma then.

“Hey Louis?” Harry asked and Louis melted a little inside. “Can you get some plates and cutlery out for me, please? Plates are in the cupboard right of my head and cutlery in the first drawer by the kitchen door.”

So Louis left his safe spot at the table and got out the cutlery and plates for the table. He set everything down, and tried his best to avoid being close to Harry, even though the kitchen wasn't that big. He was very nervous. He had already spent a lot of time with the man of his dreams in the same room, and said man of his dreams was cooking for the two of them, and everything just seemed too good to be true.

Harry took their two plates and filled them with something Louis was sure was some kind of pasta dish. The two of them just smiled shyly at each other, and Harry looked expectantly at Louis waiting for him to take a bite. It tasted like pure heaven on earth. Not only in comparison to all the ready meals he mostly ate, but this was top of the list of things he had ever had.

“God, Harry, this is good,” he let him know.

Harry seemed very much happy with that answer.

“Yeah, I like cooking, and baking. I have some peach pie left from yesterday that I can warm up for desert later, and I should still have some vanilla ice cream. Oh, do you want some wine?” Harry got up to get a bottle of white wine out of his fridge.

Wine wasn’t really Louis’ drink of choice, but he also didn’t want to be rude. After all wine was always the classy choice at some of the swanky networking events he had been in the city in the last years, so why not?

The curly haired man poured both of them a glass and cheered him.

“So obviously your cooking and baking is incredible. Is that like your job, or did somebody teach you properly?” Louis asked.

He was fine with ping-pong style small talk. It’s when you cover the basics like family, job, hobbies, interests, and other basic things, and just add a good old _“and you?”_ after answering.

Harry chuckled. “Love to hear I’m good. I mean, I used to be a baker, but most of what you see or have actually eaten already, come to think of it, has been to relax me. I thoroughly enjoy cooking and baking and it just takes my mind off things. It really helped me the past year.”

He cleared his throat and continued: “ Erm, last year my best friend died. Actually killed himself, and then in the summer my stepdad died of cancer. So baking mostly helped me with all that, and really just relaxed me a little.”

Louis was stunned. It made sense that Harry was in a weird mood last year, and in the summer, and that he was gone all the time.

“I get that, “ Louis admitted. “I’m actually jealous of you. The way you just now talked about it, but that you also found the fix for you, even if it is just temporary. My mum died in December, cancer as well, and we were super close, and ever since then I’ve just been throwing myself into work, I guess.”

With the sudden mutual understanding they had of getting each other and understanding grief the conversation flowed more freely, and it was deep.

“I remember, I think.” Harry said. “You sat outside and you weren’t well.”

“Oh god! I hate that you remember. That was such a low point. I had just gotten back from home the day before. There was this huge charity thing the evening before that I hosted, and it all kinda was a lot, y’know. How did we get to the sad parts so soon?” Louis asked the curly haired man opposite him with a small smile.

“It’s all part of it. Life, I mean. Isn’t it? Grief. Death,” Harry let him know.

“You have a way with words, Harry.”

Harry laughed at that.

“So tell me Louis, before I get you a second plate, what do you do? Did you say you work for a charity?”

Harry got up to fix them both a second serving. Louis was glad he got a little break of Harry’s very green eyes. Unfortunately for him at that table, Harry was keeping steady eye contact all the way through dinner so far. His eyes were even better than Louis imagined, and his gaze was always so intense. He really was listening to him.

“Barrister. I do some bits for charity on the side. Children’s or family law, to be specific is what I do. Went to Uni after school, and then moved to London for my pupilage, and worked at the same firm ever since,” he told Harry.

“Is it hard sometimes?” Harry asked him sitting back down opposite him.

“Not just sometimes, but most times. What about you, Mister?” he shot the question right back.

“I’m a musician, or singer-songwriter, whatever you want to call it.”

Harry seemed to become a little shy at that. A musician. Louis’ wildest dreams came true. In all the different scenarios in his head he never thought once that Harry would be what dreams are made of.

“Oh wow! Can you live off of that? Because I haven’t heard your stuff before. Oh my, sorry. I’m being a little shit, aren’t I? I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean it like that,” Louis tried his best to get himself out of the mess he created.

“Honestly, no offense taken, Lou, don’t worry!” Harry reassured him, actually very bemused by Louis' red face. “It’s so and so, really. In the beginning I was mostly just doing music on the side, and started as a roadie. Tried to pull my weight by just putting as much of my stuff out there as I can. So that worked, and more and more people picked up my stuff, so now I still like to go on tour and do bits and pieces, but I mostly come along to write with artists. I also have some stuff on my own. I, erm, have quite the popular YouTube channel for my music and even put out an album. Maybe you even heard my stuff here and there, if I was lucky.”

Louis was in trance listening to Harry. He had this deep raspy voice and he talked rather slow. He just wanted him to go on talking, forever.

“So you know a lot of famous people then?” Louis asked.

He felt stupid right after. Embarrassed even, but it was the only thing that came to his mind.

Harry laughed at that. “Yeah, I guess in a way. I did meet so many cool people through my own journey, as well as when I would work for people. Most of my career so far I worked with South East, you know the boyband from the X-Factor a few years back in 2010. They split up a while ago.”

“They couldn’t just settle on one direction, could they?” Louis asked bemused.

That got a loud laugh out of Harry.

“But yeah of course I know them. My sisters really liked them and some of their music I really liked as well,” he let Harry know.

“That’s good. I have quite a bit of writing credit on the later albums, but been part of it from very early on,” Harry informed him.

They covered so much ground over that one meal. Time flew by, and it was after dinner, and dessert, and empty plates that at around 11 pm Louis realised he should head home.

He put on his shoes after thanking Harry for the 100th time for the evening and that he had invited him in his home.

“Stop it! Wasn’t any trouble. Had to have dinner, regardless.” Harry told him.

Louis was fully clothed now and lingered in front of the front door.

“Alright well you enjoy your night, Harry.”

He still didn’t move. It was Harry who closed the distance, and embraced him in a quick hug. It might have only lasted a few seconds, but Louis was soaking up the warmth, smell, feel, and comfort for days.

“You get home alright, yeah?” Harry called after him.

Louis skipped down the few steps to the building’s front door, and walked home quickly in the best mood he has ever been in. He couldn’t stop thinking about Harry that night, or the next day, and next night, or the one after that, or the one after that.

***

Now that Louis knew what Harry was like, and what he smelled like, he was talking more about Harry. His London crew got a little sick of him.

Fizzy managed to shut him up when the two of them met up for a walk through West London. She took a cigarette from her brother, while he lit one up for himself. Old habits die hard.

“You know smoking kills you,” Louis let his little sister know shocked.

“Shut up, Lou. Got a ciggy in your mouth yourself.”

He couldn’t argue with that. Still, he wanted better things for her.

They walked around just talking about anything, and everything, and what they still had to buy for Christmas, which was only a few days away.

“How are you holding up, love?” he asked his sister earnestly.

“Not good.”

He saw that. She had gotten thinner, he thought. So he tried his best, and started a conversation about their mother. Of course they had spoken about her in the past year, but for the first time, they really talked about her, and all their feelings and he felt more connected to his sister than ever. They also talked about the living arrangements, and for the first time, he understood how hurt Fizzy still was by Dan moving out. The two of them, Fizzy and her stepdad, were very close.

***

Louis’ birthday and Christmas were, in a way, better than the year before, and in a way, it was more tense than the year before. They got through all that and still managed to have a lot of good times. When the holidays were over, he couldn’t wait to be back in London.

With all the extra hours he put in to hit the desired vitals and qualify for the trip, which didn’t even happen in December due to a change of structure in the firm and got pushed back to February, he missed his best friend Niall.

“New Years. We’re set, right Tommo?” Niall asked him on the phone.

It’s like Niall had a sixth sense. He called the minute Louis stepped foot into his flat three days before New Years Eve.

“Can’t a guy have two days of nothing to himself?”

“No. Anyways, can you bring some booze by? Before?”

Louis sighed. “Yeah sure, will go to the shops round yours tomorrow, and come by your place for a catch up. Can I have one day of alone time where I miss you from afar and then you can annoy me tomorrow?”

“Grand. See ya tomorrow, Tommo.”

He was so exhausted from all the social interactions the days before that he fell asleep on his sofa and woke up in the middle of the night, only to crawl into his bed.

The next day he had a lazy morning in, and managed to put on some clothes and brave the cold outside. He took the bus instead of walking to Hampstead, because he couldn’t be bothered, and quickly filled his tote bags with all kinds of alcohol in the supermarket.

“There you are!” Niall greeted him half an hour later. “Oh that looks heavy, man. Love the commitment. Lottie said she’ll also bring some stuff by, and most guests will bring a bottle or two as well, so we should be good when I go shopping on the day of.”

“Will you have real food this year, or do we have to skivvy off to McDonald’s again, while your poor guests are unaware?”

“Sod off! That was only last year that I wasn’t as organised. Fuck you very much. No, I arranged for some catering, and when I go to the shops I’ll pick up a shitton of snacks. My cousin will be here, so he can schlep some extra bags of food for us as well.”

“Sound,” was all Louis answered.

They chilled in Niall’s living room, had lunch, watched a film, joked around, and even napped here and there. Niall told Louis about his potential promotion, and that if he got it, he would also make it on the incentive trip in February. Shortly after they both decided to call it a day. The day was still young, but Louis wanted to clear his head a little, and Niall had some stuff to do before New Years Eve in two days.

“Admit it, Tommo. You’re only going now to go see your boy toy.”

That was enough to warrant both of Louis’s middle fingers to be directed at Niall as he stepped into the elevator outside of his friend’s flat. On the ride down he couldn’t stop smiling. Niall was right. He would’ve loved to stay longer with his best mate and just chill, but he also wanted to clear his head a little, and he also wanted to see Harry.

On his walk down the lantern lit street he wondered if Harry was even in. Last time they spoke was that evening about a month ago. Had he mentioned something about Christmas or New Years or not, Louis wondered.

All his questions and prayers were answered, when he sat down on the bench, and Harry seemed to be dancing around the living room. Totally engrossed in whatever music was playing. Louis watched him for a little, until he just stared and didn’t even see anything anymore, because his thinking part of the brain took over. He was very much deep in thought about his mum, the chat he had with Fizzy, about everything going on at home, all his plans for next year, things he wasn’t happy with this year, that one mean thing he said to one of his classmates in year six, that once cringy thing he did back in Uni and everybody called him _Drama Boy_ for the rest of the semester.

His mind only got a break when the bright lights of Harry’s kitchen were turned on. His attention now shifted back into the now, and he watched as Harry stood in front of his fridge. He closed the fridge again and looked around the room, seemingly in deep thoughts of his own until he looked out the window.

“Hey Lou! You wanna come in?” Harry asked after he opened the window.

Louis got up as fast as he could. He wasn’t expecting to get to spend time with Harry again, especially not today. He was only wishing he would have been able to record the way Harry just said _“Hey Lou” ,_ and play it over and over again. He liked the way it made him feel.

“Happy Birthday, Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, Lou!” Harry said embracing him in a big hug.

Louis had to laugh fondly. “Alright there, Harry?”

The younger boy just nodded and helped the Yorkshire lad take off his winter coat. Louis was once again glad he wasn’t just dressed in Adidas trackies from top to bottom, but in actual clothes. The pair of jeans he was wearing even made his bum look good.

“I’m surprised you remembered my birthday,” he admitted honestly while taking his shoes off.

“Come, come into the kitchen, it’s way warmer there,” Harry ushered him in. “Your birthday is on Christmas Eve. How could I forget? It’s literally one of the only easy birth dates to remember.”

“Touché,” Louis smiled.

“Are you hungry? I was about to make dinner. And oooh,” Harry started grinning wicked. ”We could also celebrate your birthday. I made a rainbow cake earlier.”

“Of course you did.”

Louis tried to act all cool and nonchalant, but inside he was absolutely soft for Harry. This man is just so incredible.

“Hey, let’s eat in the living room later, more space there. I know you mentioned before that you are a shit cook, but do you want to help me?”

The way Harry looked at him all hopeful and big green eyes, Louis stood no chance.

“Sure, yeah. You have to teach me, though,” he let him know. “And be patient,” he added as an afterthought.

“I’ll be patient, alright. Do you want an apron. I bet I have a spare one,” Harry said rummaging around in one of his drawers. “Tadaaa!”

“You didn’t have anything else?” Louis asked, amused.

“Are you not Mummy’s little helper?”

And then Harry had the audacity to follow that loaded question with a wink. Louis was sure he would die that night.

“Alright Harry, what are we cooking tonight?” Louis asked the younger man, apron on and spatula in his right hand.

Harry got out all the ingredients and presented them to Louis: “Chicken, stuffed with mozzarella cheese, wrapped in parma ham with some homemade mashed potato.”


End file.
